I have seen so much, been so far and met so many. I find memories of travel sometimes fleeting, memories of places often lost and memories of people eagerly awaiting my thoughts.
Tonight i sat down at Coogee beach at a spot that shouldn't mean a thing but does, watching the water flow in and out, listening to whatever was playing through my phone and thinking a bit about everything. Like how the relevance of time has changed since the creation of the internet. Trends are no longer a year long thing; it takes half a second for someone to upload an idea that will start a riot of change.
I think about people a lot. That sounds exceptionally stupid but to me it isn't, you see my Dad's army. So I've moved around my whole life, I find a life, a house, a school (now a job); I stay for a few years and then move on. So I have left so many places and faces behind. So many people who I will never see again, whose features I can barely remember. I can barely name a dozen people I know I will never forget, and yet none of them have grown into my life. None of them have slowly found their way into the walkways of my infinitely awesome mind; they have all crashed in, with an ungrateful tumble and a high pitched scream. People who you need only know for a moment to feel like you have known them for lifetime.
I have been here a million times and yet each time I am here it feels new and alone and terrifying. Stuck in a place where they is no moving forward, only falling backwards, where no matter how hard you push, try, or work at it nothing will change without a stroke of bad luck and some exceptionally lucky charms. Sometimes I wish I was an emo kid so I could express myself with horrible photos of a man walking alone down a dark street. I cannot have what I want, but is it better to take what you can and live completely in those moments or to take nothing at all and try and forget?
This past week has been good, I started the New Year with the following of hobbits, I found my confidence hiding at the bottom of my sock drawer, quivering in anticipation and huddled up next to my charm. Both are happily back inside my head and shaking things up just as they should.
I feel sorry for the people I work with as all they get to see is an angry kid who doesn't deal with his head well at all. I am not self-important or arrogant for that matter but I am so much more than what you see there. Visit me on the days I am happy, or the day when I wake up and feel worth, see the bloke who is willing to stop and talk to the old timer just because he knows they are lonely, or the guy that will go out of his way to make others happy just because it’s the right thing to do. Give me time to work my head around my issues and my jobs issues and give me the opportunity to be something else then entirely pissed off.
That is all for tonight, I'm going back to Doctor Who and my happy awesome thoughts.
Goodnight, sleep well and sweet dreams.
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