We will not go quietly into the night!

Independance day should be shown in schools around the world. See how many asses we could kick if we all got together and targeted the same guys?

I think a lot of things. But my bass is way up for the first time in a long time, listing to that type of music, not heavy but kind of lightening. Blocks out all the other white noise of life and lets me focus, think the thoughts i want to instead of those my brain forces me to. One day i will get around to do that one thing i absolutely must. doesnt sound like much of a must when i say "will get around to" does it? Its not possible for me at the moment, well maybe it is, but i dont think im ready and i dont want to push it and ruin my shot.

Excuses, all but sense all the same. I should go into politics, if i can convince myself of anything imagine what i could do with others. Arguments ideas imagination. I think the older generation has lost it, maybe its part of getting old. Maybe it was there generations own ideas that did it. I live for the day the 80's and early 90's kids inherit this earth. It will be scary and different but i think there will be some really good changes. I watch our government, and i see the one thing a governments should never be missing. Balls. Stand up, make a point, have an idea and have the sack to stand behind it. Disagree with someone, have the courage to agree with someone you detest. Stand up and say it again We are AUSTRALIAN. We are made of bloody tough stuff mate, and no one will ever think twice about it.

I think that's the way we should be. All of us, equal opportunity requires equal understanding. It's while we will never really reach that goal on a global understand simply because some people are stupid, and some people are far to set on taking the easy road offered because the one behind them so hard. Instead of being able to see how good life could be with just a little more effort.

Maniacally methodical. Would make an excellent for a heavy metal band.

I really have to go and buy my next sword. I will build the case with my own hands (and some of Dads help) and i will keep it under my bed. I will keep it sharp and clean and ready for the time that will never come. Seriously who needs a sword these days? Its not even a metaphor to me, its an image, and not some douche bag oh look i have sharp and shiny things. It's what i have mentioned so many times before this warrior thing. This idea that one day i will be needed and when the time comes I'll be ready.

I did extra hours today, pride in my work. I enjoyed it and hopefully I've set it up so tomorrow is cruisy and i can leave on time with no worries for Monday. Live for the days you can do whatever your will desires.

Never let the past smack you in the face to much or you ll grow to love the hand print.

I know what i meant when i wrote and i do now but that just sounds like something real. Maybe if i get famous they ll put it on some shitty wallpaper and smile at my genius.

Way back up in the woods among the evergreens...

Munching on a ham cheese sandwich in the morning on Friday
cruising down the pacific highway thinking bout the day ahead.

Come to think of it if Chuck Berry and Thirsty Merc started playing togetherI would pay to see it.

Things bode well for me and my little world, I’m actually rather happy, shocking I know (omg guys! is he really going to post something positive!!!) Yes and no. and maybe. The truth be told I have no idea what’s coming and for once I’m not scared by that, I’m okay not knowing what’s coming round the bend. I've started my new job 3 days into my new store and after my weeks training and I haven’t had a mental break down, I’ve even managed to make a few people smile and laugh. But I have my concrete setting, I have my job and my home, and food on the table and money slowly coming into the bank and with that I am okay. I have my bad days still full of demons hanging over my head and as always resistant to morteen, but with what is beginning I think I can at least start to ignore them, or picture them naked whichever works best.

The world of women still refuses to become part of my own, but its early days, some have floated further away but reserved me for coffee and biscuits later down the track some have gone altogether and good riddance to them I say. Off with the dead. A few things I’ve been thinking lately, that’s one of them, just weird little connections in my head. Off with the dead. The dead to me, the ineffectual, I don’t even know if that’s a word but I imagine you’ll all get it, those who know longer matter care or mind. Vanquished into the eternal darkness of memories lost forgotten or not cared for.

I think I should do this more often, for the sake of my head, and for the sake of my writing, it’s not all that good but someday it might be. I'd love to write an epic, a tale of awe and anguish, something to make a kid like me look to the future and think maybe someday I’ll be like that. Just as the authors I’ve read do for me.

And if all goes astray then maybe I’ll just staple it together and call it bad weather.

 

Hello Darkness my old friend...

That’s right I have awesome taste in music, but apparently shit taste in decisions. I don’t have a bad life, I have a family who love me, a few really good friends who I could rely on were they anywhere near me, I have clothes to wear and food to eat. So as I say I do not have a bad life... it is just a little sadistic. Not in the sense that I’m sadistic, that my life seems that way, I have all of these things that I could have thrown in my face and then when you try for them it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t get there, and people sprout the same shit over and over, good things are coming, you have to be patient, you have to this and that and try harder and wait longer and all of that.

Why?

I am not an asshole, I can be an asshole, and it comes rather naturally to me, like maccas to a fat kid with parents who don’t care. But I’m not, I try and am good to people, to treat them well, respect them, offer help and give it when it is taken, offer compliments, and advice when the chips are down for my friends and even strangers. So I ask again why? Why did I get fired, the guy who turned up early, ironed, pressed and ready to go. I made customers laugh and smile, joked with them, talked with them, served them with respect, gave them the information they asked for or found it for them if I didn’t know. Did extra jobs and no task was too big. Hell, one night I got a standing ovation from a group of seniors on a bus tour. They literally stood and clapped for me before leaving because I made them laugh and smile and feel good. I entertained them whilst doing my job. I didn’t yell or scream at Karissa when she called me a "little fucking cunt" in front of the entire kitchen staff, nor when she told me I was slacking off, on my second day of working in the kitchen instead of the bar. I didn’t smack Pauline in the face when she talked to me like I was 12 years old for the fiftieth time that day, no I resigned myself to sigh and keep on working and not until she got me in trouble with a customer and broke one of our health and safety laws that I had pointed out to her not 30 minutes beforehand did I tell her to stop. I took all the abuse, all the bullshit, took all the dirty jobs and the heavy lifting, cleaned the toilets, rocked up on my days off when they needed a hand, did everything I could. I loved that job, I loved the work the customers, even the staff when they weren’t treating me like complete shit, but I got fired. Because unlike them, I kept my head down and worked my ass off instead of spending my time bitching about me. That was the very start of the downhill slide into infinity, and not the cool infinity that Buzz Lightyear was talking about either, the bad infinity filled with endless amount of alone and insufferable thoughts of what if, and maybe I should's.

Then there was that 3 week period, where I did in fact get a job that was so mind numbingly boring and bullshit I lasted one whole shift. My own fault I know, but if you had gone from fun and different and relaxed to here put this up your ass and bother people while there eating you wouldn’t have fared so well either. So three weeks. three weeks of wasted savings, of alcohol and days spent locked in my room, of being pissed off at my brother for working so much and not teaching me any of the things I wanted to learn. Three weeks of this slowly starting to creep back into my life. The only upside to some small part of that was the infamous A.P. who during this time realised I was going the fuck home, and called the little tiny bit of plans we had off. Not her fault, i agreed, she was right, but the timing as usual could not have been any worse.

So I shake that all off and come home. Home. For a guy who has lived in 3 different states and both territories, 6 different cities and moved around so much most people don’t believe me, Home is a funny word. At the moment, it’s where ever my parents are, but that is beginning to change which is both good and bad. So I came home, Sydney, the city I love and loath, all of the fun things to do and one friend to do them with. Who I also managed to piss off, but we shall come to that later. SO I tell myself, Lee you are joining the army; you are going to lose weight get fit and get in. Okay, so it starts, I exercise and diet and work myself up to more and more and then we hit the cliff, It’s always somewhere along the road sometimes further away sometimes closer but I hit it and fell off. Like I always do. With a long No and a resounding splat I hit the bottom and go back to no exercise and barely dragging myself out of bed.

Job? Of course, everybody needs money and I hate living off my parents, I'm 20, I should be paying rent and helping out. So I applied. Even got an interview, mind you they forgot I was coming and interviewed me for the wrong job but still an interview and hey I may even get that job. One definite no, one maybe, and interview and a maybe and three left unanswered.

Then during all of this come the rejections, the Return of the first and the mind numbing amount of alone that makes me feel like a junkie has slipped me something while I’m sleeping. As a person I’m often stricken by being all heart and no sense, if I had sense I would run away from beautiful, smart, funny, witty, semi genius, musically talented, crazy women who can make my spine tingle simply by whispering my name. I would run screaming and lock myself in a cupboard until the voices went away and I knew I could go outside again without being involuntarily drawn back to them.

This will be continued when I’m off the phone...

 

It was never plugged in at all...

Pretentious assholes.

I'm angry a lot. more then i should be some would, not enough others would whisper. I have a job that i walk into most days smiling because its really not so terrible and its a new experience for me, but i must give off angry like a bad smell. I'm forever being told not to get angry or be angry or cranky or to get mad at people. Fuck, i cannot stand that, 80 percent of the time I'm a happy little big munchkin, I'm annoyed by people for sure but angry with them no but the moment, the very second that start the "don't get angry"speech i lose my shit. I cannot deal with it, i cannot stand people telling me what i think, i know whats going on in my head and yes I'm big and loud and all that other shit but i have been here 4 months. People should know the fucking difference between angry and not angry by now, and there is a big difference, when I'm angry people fucking know it, or at least they should. I feel like a completely different person when I'm angry, like I'm waiting for someone to push it to far and see the fury that i Carry around with me, so normally i stay calm and happy and good but people as i mentioned annoy me. I don't know, maybe i am just an ass hole, its a very real possibility, but I'm not changing anytime soon, i have been trying to for as long as i can remember, you getting mad at me for being mad at you for telling me I'm mad will not help.

She's not quite as infamous anymore, since i started seeing the cute insanely tired side of her but she is still completely outrageously awesome. It's like shes massaging my brain every time she rings me, making me feel less crazy less insane more at home. Fuck that's twisted. a girl that's 1500 something k's away makes me feel more at home in my own house simply by talking to me over the phone. I don't know, maybe its just another part of my madness. I have managed to convince her romance isn't so bad though, which is good, because knowing my cheesiness she'll be seeing a little bit more of it before the end. Listening to her try and hate me through her smiling was kinda awesome for me, I think I'm something completely different to her, or at least i like to think so. I know shes something completely alien to me, i have met girls like her, little bits and pieces that i know, that i have seen before. I put likeness to her as a match to fire but shes more like a blowtorch to a drum full of petrol. she'll more then likely roll her eyes to some if not all of this but i don't mind because she thinks I'm awesome and she knows it. Its not love, but it is like, and that's bananas and chocolate to me at the moment. I'm enjoying this, which is really something new indeed.

I don't know where i am going. That brings me down, all night, most nights. I need a direction that my mind is willing to wake up and go for. I need some sleep, some real proper sleep.

And I am a street light shining...

I'm a wild light blinding bright and burning off alone. I give massive amounts of credit to the Foo Fighters for letting me rock it out during high school and letting me steal there lyrics to start things like this.

I have already told you how much we take from movies, how things should work, how we perceive things really do work. Its not all bullshit, I met a girl, a woman actually who fell in love with me after a single week of us being together. Sadly my feeling did not mirror her own and out of a sense of decency i ended it. This is not going to be a post about love but i will ask a question about it here. What affects our ideas of love? I work with a women who does not believe in marriage, because she feels it is pointless, expensive and unnecessary when two people are together and in love. I dated a girl once who simply didn't believe in it, well back then anyway. It is discussed as some greatly indescribable thing, something that just happens, a single look between two people and this compulsion known as love comes over you. Relativity, Einstein said some pretty interesting stuff about it, whether he really believed everything was relative i will never know but id like to. He seems like a bloke i could generally get along with apart from the massive difference in intelligence of course. My parents are married and happy, have been for a bloody long time, my brothers parents are not, but his mother and father are still my mother and father. I have met people who don't even know who there fathers are, i have met victims of domestic abuse, rape and all the other terrible things two people can do to each other that still believe in love. This doesn't seem to be coming out the way i intended, my point is, love is relative to your own experiences. If you have a string of relationships that are horrible beyond belief, violence, fear, cheating, lying, and then you meet someone who is halfway up the nice guy meter, he treats you well, flatters you, buys you things, does his best to make you happy, he may seems perfect simply because of your history with ass holes. Love grows between you because you have never met anyone better than this person. To me that is not love, that is a sadly kind of devotion. This person makes me happy therefore i will stick by them forever and call it love. Its false and fake and not right, not to blamed on anyone but sometimes I hope that other people have come to this realisation, can see what i see and are out there telling others that Love exists, and to not be fooled by these charlatans and self created hallucinations of grandeur and decency. I don't like this paragraph, it didn't come out how i would have liked but i will leave it in the hope that those who know me will read what i meant and not what i have written.

A wild light burning bright. Sometimes not as bright as i would like. I do not stand alone in a field facing down my enemies, I do not walk out of the mist just in time to save the damsel in distress. I am not a light in the darkness leading the way for those who would follow. I am a bartender in the middle of nowhere dreaming of a greatness long since past. I grew up with books and movies and ideals and the want to be the hero of my own story, to have someone write about my adventures one day. Sadly i am old enough to know that the likelihood of this happening are next to nothing, but that is why hope is painted as a fire it will burn as long as you feed it fuel. Every look, every chance encounter,every new skill learned, every new book read is fuel for that fire. Some let it burn brighter then others, some burn longer and lower and there are days where it burns as mere embers in the blackness that is despair but i have always found ways to let it flare up again and bring me back to reality.

Archery, another step into the past, another part of my life that people will just never understand. Also pulled from books, my love of the old ways of war. Archery, sword fights, Calvary, everything. Its one of the many reasons i plan to learn to ride while I'm out here, to kick ass from horseback would be rather awesome. Archery is going better then i thought it would although finding a place to practise is hard even out here. I own a sword, a Sicilian rapier, not quite what i went in to buy that day but an elegant weapon none the less, impressive simply because of the speed you can use it with. I'm torn between buying a Chinese jian and a hand-and-a-half  bastard sword. I think i will go with the jian first, lighter and more versatile then the larger, heavier European sword. I used to know a guy who was obsessed with this stuff, his name was Jake Spalding, i name him without fear mostly because hes a douchebag but also because those who know him know that he really really is a douchebag. He had collections, zippos, swords, a bow, which when i was 16 seemed impressive until i realised that to own these things means nothing, to pretend to use them makes you an idiot and a jackass. What i own are weapons, not toys, not replicas and not shitty metal ripoffs. Carbon steal blades that would cut a man clean in half if i had the strength to do so. I 55 pound compound bow that will shoot clean through a pig at 50 metres. Yes they are important to me, and they let me live in a world long in the past but they are not for display, or to show off but for my own entertainment, for me and for no one else. I worry some days that i will turn into that idiot, that i will become the douchebag that i so loath and then i remember that my friends are awesome and wont let me drift that far down the river asshole. and for that i love them.

The infamous A. P. At first i didn't even see her, i saw Summer Hartlery, Rachel Weisz's character from Definitely Maybe. Scary beautiful in that green dress and those glasses. And when i did see her, i found some thing even more incredible, that my life could become even more ridiculously unlucky, or maybe I'll find something good in this mystery of what am i supposed to do. See there are limitations to life, things you can do and cant do and then there's the all to well known grey area where i reside as i type this. Intelligent beyond almost anyone i know, talented, creative, funny and with a smile that would knock Hugh Jackman flat on his ass. Those limitations that stand in the way will be gone in just a matter of years. Scary to think you plan that far ahead for someone you have only seen twice. Don't read to deep i am not in love, just intrigued and happy that someone smiled back for once. Time, it must be taken, to know more and learn more and talk and discuss and find what I'm looking for. Maybe she has it, maybe this is the real test. Or maybe not but ill have fun finding out either way. And i hope she will to.

That is enough for today, I have vented and expressed, I have told you what I felt needed to be said. Good day and thankyou.

The life and times of Frank Jr...

GOD GAVE ROCK'N'ROLL TO YOU!

gave rock n roll to you, gave rock n roll to everyone, put in the soul of everyone.

Fuck the pain and the bullshit worries. be happy, don't do drugs, drink comfortably not stupidly. Do dangerous fun things and be smart about it. Like using the technical know how of my roommate to make a self igniting supersoaker flamethrower or using fire arrows to BOOMSHAKALAKA. Just be awesome, dont fuck around, live and be fucking happy about it. Head bang to no music whatsoever. Stand in elevators facing the wrong way, just do what makes you happy without hurting other people. Smile at beautiful ladies, get there numbers, be happy. Beautiful ladies (not that any of them read this but shutthefuckup) give decent blokes your number. Be excellent to each other. We live in a world of murder and mayhem, war and violence and crime and bullshit and sadness and tears and problems and we all spend far to much time thinking about it and worrying and being fucking emo kids. Cheer the fuck up, laugh at the ridicilous, laugh at nothing at all just smile and be happy but not a hippy... dirty stinking hippies.








I came for my motherfucking keys, to my motherfucking mini van and that's whats up!

Fuck.

Take what you want, give nothing back!

Who lives like that.. who has that lifestyle.. who get to be that guy?

I sure as hell dont. Fuck my life. Fuck being nice. Fuck everything about being who I am. About who I want to be. Fuck being this person.