Do you hear the people sing?

Movies are starting to affect me badly again. Making me long for things I tell myself I could never have. I have always wanted to be a soldier, ever since I can remember wanting to be something real and not a frog. Some days frog is still a pretty appealing option. Second above all else I wanted to be an actor. I liked the idea of being someone else so much that I thought I could do it for a living, which retrospectively says an awful lot about me. If I didn't have a crippling case of stage fright at all times I might have even pursued it, but I do so I didn't and the time has come. I got the call, I am available for re-evaluation for the position of combat engineer in the Australian Army. It has been six months since my soul crippling rejection, eight months since I royally screwed up my relationship with a truly beautiful human being and three months since I opened back up to an idiot. nearly twenty-two years since I was born and I am still no better at making decisions. I have done next to nothing about my fitness because I refuse to be motivated to losing weight and being better. It is so very fucking hard to write that sentence. The tears swell in my eyes as I write "I" instead of "My mind"or "my brain". Both of which are such bullshit, its like blaming a third party for my refusal to do a single bloody thing, but the blame falls at no ones feet but my own. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I tell myself I will go to gym tomorrow and I probably will but how long will it last this time? Until the next girl breaks my heart from a million miles away. The next time someone makes a fat joke or a forever alone joke or the next time I feel hideous because I am constantly reminded of how unremarkably average I am in the attractive department?

I don't even know if this is depression anymore? I hate that, I always think of it as an excuse to feel sad. Oh I have depression, or bi-polar or stress disorder or a thousand other things.

If I fail this time I don't know what will happen. I am scared of that, not knowing that is dark. that's a road I am fucking terrified of, but applying almost scares me more. To sit in a room and try to prove to a complete stranger that you deserve the future you have always wanted when you yourself are not even sure you do deserve it.

Do you know what people ask? How are you going to get in with all your head stuff? Don't you have to be fit to get in? But aren't you a bit too emotional for the army?  Do you know what that does to a person. What this fucking decision is doing to me right now. I am so gone, I just want out. I want to step into the rain and have it wash me away to a place where I don't have to feel like this. Tonight the darkness in my mind may consume me. If I make it through the house in my head I will see you all tomorrow. If not, make it Tuesday.