I am inevitably always surrounding by two things. the first thing being women who are as incredible and beautiful as they are unavailable and the second thing being assholes.
As I become more and more of an adult I begin to realize how easy it would be to end up in this place forever. To stand still in your life when you find a place that you understand and know would be the easiest thing in the world after experiencing years and years of not knowing what will happen next. I think this is how people end up working retail for the entirety of their lives. If you can put food on the table, keep the lights on and have money left to buy the various substances required to keep you mostly inebriated then why would you want to move? That is what I am afraid of, the more I put off the army the more that fear grows, that I am not putting it off for an benefit but that of my fear. Am I doing it so that I am more prepared in the long run or because I am safe here? I have a home, I have food, I have some semblance of a social life, I can pay the bills and am happy at least thirty percent of the time. Life is not that bad in the here and the now, so why not just sit down and get comfortable? Everyone knows why not, because you want bigger things or different things or you have dreams. I get that, I know that for myself all I am saying is I get it now. I get why there is a forty year old man working at woollies as a shelf stacker.
I don't like not knowing how I feel, which I imagine everyone dislikes to some degree but I find it especially difficult as my emotions rule me more then I rule them. I'm not a robot and not as perpetually angry as some of you may think I am. I like having focus and knowing my feelings, I use them to write and create and make decisions, just like everyone else once again I suppose. It is a funny thing that we all consider ourselves unique for one reason or another but few of us really truly are. I suppose in a way that is exactly what makes this hard. I know I'm not alone, I know there are so many others out there like me, but then I have to ask why the hell I am sitting here alone? Is it all to be blamed on me not getting out there and doing stuff. I don't think I'm solitary in nature I just think I'm so used to this now that I honestly don't know how to change it. I think it is much the same as breaking up with someone you have been with for years, you feel broken, all you want is them back as bad as whatever caused it is and half of all of that is not knowing how to exist with them in your life. I guess I don't know how to function with people in my life and I've never had it constantly enough to learn. I either fucked up the relationship, moved away from my friends or was too drowned in my own bullshit depression to care. I don't do people well anyone that knows me can tell you that. I just get awkward and weird and my confidence slips away from me like a bar of soap in a prison shower. I am trying to be better at this, joining the SES should be a step forward in a lot of areas. I'm doing it on my own, new people, new stuff. I'm scared shitless, that's why I don't shut up about it, but I'm still doing it.
I need to get away. I have camping on the Murray in April, and as excited as I am that's still not where I want to be. I need to get to Adelaide, I need to chase a different dream, if only for a day.
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