What good is good when no good comes of it?

I do the right thing, i fight for the right thing, I do everything i can to make others happy regardless of its affects on my own life and i still am unhappy, unwanted and unloved.

The return of the infamous...

And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd back to bother me....

And that does not describe how i feel at all. I didn't even lock the door i left it wide open with a neon sign above screaming COME BACK at anyone stupid enough to walk past the crazy cat guys house (sadly i don't actually own any cats). Bother me? more life confuse the effing living out of me. You're INSANE.....ly beautiful. You're not quite right in the head, not quite right but freaking perfect. I never forget, I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent.

A blur of motion inside my own mind tells me somethings up, something has just happened that will possible shape future events to come. What events? how the hell should i know, marriage, kids, addictions, rejection, acceptance, longing and loneliness. It could be one of a million things and I will always fear that it will be something bad and i will be stupid enough to cause it. I live in constant fear of becoming the enemy i so longingly look for in life. That one big challenge every sees as a challenge that i see as the evil wizard dude in the super high tower throwing fireballs at me i try to climb up and slay his ass down. Will she be the crazy lady shooting up at him screaming at me to climb faster, the trapped "maden" with the long blonde hair in that banana yellow dress scowling at the wizard like he was Dracula himself, or maybe she'll be up there with him simply smiling and laughing maniacally at my misfortune as i fall screaming and burning to an agonising death. That whole ridiculously long sentence was a little long and not so well written but for its intended audience i think it will suffice.

The history, the mystery, the mind numbing memories of burning passions, both good and bad. Screaming matches bad... other things good. So very very good. Where do i go from here? how do i keep from making the same mistakes with a girl who is so ridiculously unavailable its not funny and yet i find myself wanting to ask that time old question, Is it still there? I know it is... and I'm pretty sure she knows it is but i want to ask to open up that doorway, to unlock that room full of possibilities. I can't though, I'm supposed to be a better man, a man who would not ask that of a women already taken. Although she would never belong to anyone I believe her heart is already somewhat his, mine hopes not but my mind tries its best to be the realist and recognise that it probably already is.

I wonder if this counts as breaking the rules? Knowing she will read it and saying all the things id like to but saying it here? can i get away with it? can i still call myself this better man? or this man trying to be a better man? Of this i am not sure, i will probably never know as no one can really answer those questions but me and i am not willing to for fear that i may be turning back into what i once was. This woman brings up a part of me i have not seen in a long time, some good some bad but something i have missed. She is one of the many reasons i want to be a knight in shining armour, she would never be carried off like a distressed lady in waiting but perhaps one day she will let me rescue her. One day.... perhaps.

Insufferable thoughts...

Those thoughts that pass over your brain like a semi trailer "passes"over a frog on the highway. God i hate them, truly and utterly mood shattering thoughts, regardless of how good you are feeling these little bastards will come at you like a lobster with a butter knife, painful probably infectious and it always takes you a few moments to work out how your going to handle them. Thoughts like whats if I had... or maybe i shouldn't.... or my personal favourite DO IT, DO IT RIGHT NOW. Those last ones have got me into more trouble then almost anything else in my life. Hmm i probably should jump off this..... DO IT DO IT NOW! and rolled ankle dirty jeans and many laughs from the assholes and onlookers. but my point is how do you battle something coming from within your own mind? your the one thinking it so how can you expel it without further thought? Because even as you think that's dumb why did i think that, the little voice is going maybe hes right... maybe i did fuck that up, or maybe i should call her, and then BAM its got you and you spend the next half an hour trying to nut out a problem that was holy and souly created by your own brain.

A new town, a new life...

So in the many months since my last post i have moved, and not just moved but changed. I am now a Longreachian (if i could tm that i totally wouid). I have gone from simple deli man of Sydney to Larger than life groundsman of Longreach. It has been 11 days since i flew into to this flat new town of mine and so far i am thoroughly enjoying it. i have made more friends in the past week then i have in the past year in Sydney, i have discovered a new way of life, involving copious amounts of alcohol, lots of really awful dancing and incredibly loud but awesome music. I have found beauty in the outback in more forms then one, no longer do i look up and see smog and street lights, now it is stars, masses and masses of stars. I wonder now how many people back in Sydney simply do not look up at all for the knowledge that there, there is nothing to see. But here i find it amazing. Something totally remarkable that these people of the country have managed to keep to themselves. If only we had the sense to turn more lights off and let the stars shine a little brighter in the night.

Work. A change in itself, from translating orders to digging holes and slashing lawns. I love it, i go home sore from work not because i lost my cool and beat my hands raw but because i worked hard, there is something truly good in wiping the sweat from your brow after a hard days work, in taking a warm shower to loosen up the muscles that haven't been used in so damn long. Every job has its downside and i have already discovered part of mine, but i still feel like i have accomplished something, like tomorrow really is a new day instead of going back and just repeating the same old process again.

Friends. A smile, a simple smile and i was sold. The horrible knowledge that at any moment my knees may go weak, my brain may explode from exposure to that single smile. I am an idiot, this much i know. my feeling move faster then superman simply from impressions and what i think i know. I am an idiot, this much i know because i have never played a whole game. I have gone the first two quarters and done alright but come halftime I'm down 6 points and still not gaining any, but this time i like to think ill learn from doing and not fuck things up for once. Take things slow. Show people what i can be, show a person who i am instead of who i let people see. I will win. I will succeed. I will be happy.

Something interesting and intriguing shall follow...

So I was thinking today as i stood under the incredibly hot water of my shower i hope people don't dismiss my writngs because of a few posts. Talent doesnt go and then come back but my moods affect me a great deal and this all began because i had no one to talk to so it became my outlet for life. My place to scream and shout, metaphorically ofcourse. If you do come across this whoever you may be i hope you go back to the begining when i was more of the me id like to be. When i wrote with passion and not anger or atleast constructive anger and not blind rage.

I take a lot of examples from movies, how we are portrayed onscreen what we want to see, what we pay to see. Movies filled with heroes, hundreds of them over and over again, saving the girl, saving the world, saving their kids, saving honor, saving just about anything. We go, we watch, we leave satisfied but why? These people do not exist, they are figments of somebody elses imagination, there are heroes in this worlds but far less then those who appear in the movies. Why? does that not strike anyone else as odd? that we have to look to the big screen for our insperation for our entertainment, in search of heroes most poeple end up in blockbuster picking the newest Brad Pitt flick. I admit my collection of movies is vast, larger then anyone else that i know inface but that not stop me from looking for them in real life. i yearn to meet them, to know of there lives and there stories, to know if i have what it takes to follo in the footsteps of great men. To make my track, to walk alone from the masses and into a world where people do the right thing, where all men are men, where we all stand equal, where we fight injustice and wrongdoing. Even as i type it i know it sounds pathetic, like something a wide eyed child would babble after reading a comic, but why does it have to be so? Would it be so hard to do whats right, to help the old lady with her groceries, to ask the lone girl whats wrong when you can see shes crying, to stand up to bullies and thieves and liars, to respect those who deserve it. When did we stop being good people? you dont even have to live to the standards of the heroes you jsut have to start doing whats right for everyone, instead of just yourself. Don't be the better man, be the best man. And for those of you who are born into greatness, be grateful, some of us spend our whole lives hoping it will be thrust upon us.

With that i bid you goodnight.

It would be nice...

To open this page up and find someone had read it and found it something more than nothing at all would make feel a little more whole inside. At the moment I'm alone, I'm walking through ''a forest of concrete and steel'' (I cannot remember where I stole that line from but it’s awesome so I'm using it) filled with those in fancy dress and those too poor to buy it, those from other places and those from no place at all really. We all live in a world filled with people but some of us are as alone as alone can be. The single cacti breaking the horizon, the only thing to cast a shadow for hundreds of miles. (It sucks that miles sounds so good, kilometres just kinda ruins the flow). Anyway enough of the sappy mystic metaphysical crap and all the stuff in brackets to, I really must try and resist the urge to explain everything I think and why I think it.

So this week things have gone from bad to worse. I have sunken into the pit of self-loathing and hatred that I haven't managed to find the bottom of yet. It seems the more I struggle the deeper I slide... as a matter of fact it seems like no matter I do I find myself deeper in this hole, and with the rate I’m falling I hope to hell there is something soft at the bottom.. I've never been a great writer but I spit out some brilliant albeit short stuff more often than most people think. Fuck. I have come to a standstill in my writings again, which means that all this wasn’t leading to some brilliant dam breaking spasm of writing genius is was just a build-up to nothing which will of course leave me feeling even worse. Goodnight people (no one actually) if I’m not here tomorrow I'll see you all in hell when you decide to join me.

It's been a long time since I came around...

So I'm very much over being the only one like me. I'm not all that unique or even that different, a little weird yes but weird isn't as weird as it used to be. I have a thing for self sacrifice, let's refer to it as a hero complex. I help people, self esteem problems no worries Lee's here, need to get over that ex? No worries I got it covered. Need help with just about anything that involves feelings or motivation I'm your man. Now here's the part where everyone goes who have you really helped? And I honestly have helped people BUT they are all maybe kinda definitely females. *enter in the incredibly cliche Ohhhhhhh* it's not a sexual thing or a giving a little to get a little it's a guys can't help guys with that stuff. Even my best friend and I don't go that deep because that deep is balls deep and balls deep is gay. So I help who will let me help which of course is only the ladies, and in the end I end up getting attached because to help I find out everything I can about someone and then focus on the good parts so freaking hard I convince myself that girl is practically perfect. Anyone can tell anyone there beautiful but very few people can mean it as deeply and truly as someone who loves them. It's a bit fucked on my part because well as i explained, I never get the girl so it always ends in heartache for me, but I work past it and move on and add it to my list of things that make me go holy shit that hurts when I think about them. What I'm waiting for though, what this whole rant is about, is for someone to see everything I have seen in all those people in me. To go holy shitballs that guy, well lick my elbows and give me a kitten he's something different. That would most definitely be nice. That would make my year and maybe give me some reassurance that I'm not going to die alone with my hand rapper around and Xbox controller... (I'm probably going to hell for the Lady Gaga reference anyway)