The return of the infamous...

And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd back to bother me....

And that does not describe how i feel at all. I didn't even lock the door i left it wide open with a neon sign above screaming COME BACK at anyone stupid enough to walk past the crazy cat guys house (sadly i don't actually own any cats). Bother me? more life confuse the effing living out of me. You're INSANE.....ly beautiful. You're not quite right in the head, not quite right but freaking perfect. I never forget, I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent.

A blur of motion inside my own mind tells me somethings up, something has just happened that will possible shape future events to come. What events? how the hell should i know, marriage, kids, addictions, rejection, acceptance, longing and loneliness. It could be one of a million things and I will always fear that it will be something bad and i will be stupid enough to cause it. I live in constant fear of becoming the enemy i so longingly look for in life. That one big challenge every sees as a challenge that i see as the evil wizard dude in the super high tower throwing fireballs at me i try to climb up and slay his ass down. Will she be the crazy lady shooting up at him screaming at me to climb faster, the trapped "maden" with the long blonde hair in that banana yellow dress scowling at the wizard like he was Dracula himself, or maybe she'll be up there with him simply smiling and laughing maniacally at my misfortune as i fall screaming and burning to an agonising death. That whole ridiculously long sentence was a little long and not so well written but for its intended audience i think it will suffice.

The history, the mystery, the mind numbing memories of burning passions, both good and bad. Screaming matches bad... other things good. So very very good. Where do i go from here? how do i keep from making the same mistakes with a girl who is so ridiculously unavailable its not funny and yet i find myself wanting to ask that time old question, Is it still there? I know it is... and I'm pretty sure she knows it is but i want to ask to open up that doorway, to unlock that room full of possibilities. I can't though, I'm supposed to be a better man, a man who would not ask that of a women already taken. Although she would never belong to anyone I believe her heart is already somewhat his, mine hopes not but my mind tries its best to be the realist and recognise that it probably already is.

I wonder if this counts as breaking the rules? Knowing she will read it and saying all the things id like to but saying it here? can i get away with it? can i still call myself this better man? or this man trying to be a better man? Of this i am not sure, i will probably never know as no one can really answer those questions but me and i am not willing to for fear that i may be turning back into what i once was. This woman brings up a part of me i have not seen in a long time, some good some bad but something i have missed. She is one of the many reasons i want to be a knight in shining armour, she would never be carried off like a distressed lady in waiting but perhaps one day she will let me rescue her. One day.... perhaps.