So tonight i am angry and confused and sad and a whole range of other emotions i haven't even begun to think about but lets start with angry. I am angry because while i sit here and type away as my "girlfriend" is asleep, my best friend is oblivious to whats going on because well as far as i know he doesn't give a fuck. My brother is in the next room sleeping next to the ever present chivette. I state this now, i am happy for them, i am BUT it would have been a whole lot easier for me to get past some of this stuff if she wasn't a regular guest at the Castle Bosworth.
I have confidence issues like all former fat kids... okay still fat kids. There have been very few people in my life that have told me I'm semi decent looking apart from those that have to (relatives, people selling you clothes, etc.) and those that have are either to old for me, not interested or just being nice because i have mentioned this problem to them. I don't know what makes people think that complimenting someone after they have said "no one really compliments me on my looks" is okay, because saying OH you look great right after that just isn't the same. Don't get me wrong i don't go fishing for compliments, but it does make it hard when your girlfriend, your friends, basically everyone give you the impression that you look not all that fantastic all the time. I don't know maybe it is just a me thing, but when i walk into work and see someone who looks nice, i tell them. i say hey you look nice to day, or Jesus your don't scrub up to bad aye? with a smile and good intentions because i think that's what people should do. Sadly i live in a place where lighthearted but constant insults are a way of life, and apparently of friendship. I join in on the odd occasion but never anything to terrible and i always follow it up later with a compliment, a real one to make sure that a) they new i was kidding and b) they feel good about themselves. Today i copped a lot of it, and for some reason it got to me, badly, it made me feel like i was hideous as all fuck and not worth the air i breath. Everyone of course expects me to just take and most days i can, but today it sucked. Big time.
Work. Apart from the above rant i think Ive been doing okay but apparently my attitude has turned to shit in the last few days. I agree. Do i believe it should change? Hell no! you see at my last job i was gopher Lee, ready for any shit at anytime and any job regardless of how dirty disgusting or hard it may be and what happened? i always got those jobs, found myself being walked over by every staff member that could manage it and generally treated like a slave. So now i am a bartender of sorts and am one of the only males at my establishment, i find myself staying back late, past the end of my shifts, doing extra work that other people could do and generally being pushed around a lot. My brother tells me its just the job and somewhat i tend to agree with him, i can handle doing a little extra heavy lifting and working late and all the other stuff but not every day and not without any thanks. Hey Lee i really appreciate you moving that stock for the third time, or hey lee i really good not have done it without you, thanks for staying back an hour an a half and letting your job ruin your plans for the day. So yes my attitude is bad, but i don't get all that much respect, or gratitude or anything for that matter.
There was more but I'm tired, in a bit of pain and i will get to the rest of it tomorrow.
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