This is the year that I feel most alone..

Train never stops being awesome, especially when you shazam a sick song on the radio and they impress you with there unexpected awesomeness.

Everything about myself confuses the hell out of me. My ability to like someone and then not feel a thing for a week and then its on, off, on, off. The completely bearable loneliness doesn't bother me, I can deal with all that its the relationship that will never happen sitting one really great mistake away that kinda blows.

Single references, and lines and the constant mention of all of someone Else's abilities, the t-shirt, the smiles, laughs and various other nothings of day to day life that are like a slap to the inside of my face. AND WHY? Dear god man, it is ridiculous. How the fuck does half the freaking place know about it? Why does it even continue, its not just not a possibility its not even a thing. Its existence is only defined by its lack there of.

This is all bullshit and cheating anyway because I know you will read it. Damn it woman, you told me to write it. You wanted answer and insight. There you go. See how none of any of that makes sense, that's constant, just a constant stream of nonsense. Your not some love at first sight lie, some fallacy as to why I liked you, to cover up some hole. Sure that explanation i gave you made sense but that doesn't mean that what was going through my head did not involve at least seventy percent you. WAIT. I don't like you now, at least i don't think i do. you just have a funny affect on my head, The smiles and all the tongue poking. Melts the bad away for five minutes, and not in a I only want to be with you way but in a finally i have some peace and quiet in my head way. I have five minutes of clarity and then maybe several hours of confusion. As much as you can put boundaries on real life you cant do that with real thoughts.

Any who. Work is good, crazy an stressful but good. I am surrounded by people who surprise me with how much they care, i have a good hardworking job i enjoy. Some things make me wanna lose my head but i keep my calm and chive on. I like things neat and tidy which makes it a little harder but it also makes me push myself to keep everything running as smooth as possible.

AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT THICK.

Home is good, i think Mum and Dad's are pretty happy with me, Dad and i are doing stuff together again now which is god. Little home projects and fishing and stuff and Mum seems to finally be out of her little funk. I seriously could not ask for better parents. No one could.

As for my life? The rest of it at JB no way. Don't get me wrong, a year? five? maybe. But not forever I still cannot wait to put on my cams and go to work. To look down and see toes, instead of toes and stomach. To see the old flames and friends and even the never were's and see that look of holy shit on there faces. (the plan for the England trip goes along these lines too)

Where is this going? nowhere. I could write more about knights, and warriors and the way I see the world but i have done so many times and if you want to know more or hear more you can bloody well ask. I could go on about the single life and how goddamn confused i am every second, but it will change nothing and improve nothing. So i leave it be here and say I will survive, and live on and end up being happy and alright.

Goodnight Friend.

Are mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

God life is just a great big furry and odly wet ball of confusion.

I made a new friend who is awesome and who will hopefully be around a while, she seems smart enough to smack me upside the head and get back on track with life when i need it, and I'll be damned if she aint good looking enough to get away with it to.

The infamous situation. Another kind of all right title for a book or a band, but actually a lazy reference to an old post about a very beautiful girl who has my shit all up in the air. Why does this now feel like I'm one of those childish shitwits who is posting there life problems on the web? I have seriously got to sort my shit out, ill be back if i can fix it, if not this might be me gone for a while. I'm out.

What the hell are you waiting for...

I am an idiot. Or a fool, or maybe just a childish idiotic fool.

I took something i should have, from someone i shouldn't have, and in the moment of crystal clear clarity that follows i realised what i already new but what i thought was to stupid to be true.

So after a week or so i am an idiot. Cannot type what i want to type. this is pointless. I'm going.

We will not go quietly into the night!

Independance day should be shown in schools around the world. See how many asses we could kick if we all got together and targeted the same guys?

I think a lot of things. But my bass is way up for the first time in a long time, listing to that type of music, not heavy but kind of lightening. Blocks out all the other white noise of life and lets me focus, think the thoughts i want to instead of those my brain forces me to. One day i will get around to do that one thing i absolutely must. doesnt sound like much of a must when i say "will get around to" does it? Its not possible for me at the moment, well maybe it is, but i dont think im ready and i dont want to push it and ruin my shot.

Excuses, all but sense all the same. I should go into politics, if i can convince myself of anything imagine what i could do with others. Arguments ideas imagination. I think the older generation has lost it, maybe its part of getting old. Maybe it was there generations own ideas that did it. I live for the day the 80's and early 90's kids inherit this earth. It will be scary and different but i think there will be some really good changes. I watch our government, and i see the one thing a governments should never be missing. Balls. Stand up, make a point, have an idea and have the sack to stand behind it. Disagree with someone, have the courage to agree with someone you detest. Stand up and say it again We are AUSTRALIAN. We are made of bloody tough stuff mate, and no one will ever think twice about it.

I think that's the way we should be. All of us, equal opportunity requires equal understanding. It's while we will never really reach that goal on a global understand simply because some people are stupid, and some people are far to set on taking the easy road offered because the one behind them so hard. Instead of being able to see how good life could be with just a little more effort.

Maniacally methodical. Would make an excellent for a heavy metal band.

I really have to go and buy my next sword. I will build the case with my own hands (and some of Dads help) and i will keep it under my bed. I will keep it sharp and clean and ready for the time that will never come. Seriously who needs a sword these days? Its not even a metaphor to me, its an image, and not some douche bag oh look i have sharp and shiny things. It's what i have mentioned so many times before this warrior thing. This idea that one day i will be needed and when the time comes I'll be ready.

I did extra hours today, pride in my work. I enjoyed it and hopefully I've set it up so tomorrow is cruisy and i can leave on time with no worries for Monday. Live for the days you can do whatever your will desires.

Never let the past smack you in the face to much or you ll grow to love the hand print.

I know what i meant when i wrote and i do now but that just sounds like something real. Maybe if i get famous they ll put it on some shitty wallpaper and smile at my genius.

Way back up in the woods among the evergreens...

Munching on a ham cheese sandwich in the morning on Friday
cruising down the pacific highway thinking bout the day ahead.

Come to think of it if Chuck Berry and Thirsty Merc started playing togetherI would pay to see it.

Things bode well for me and my little world, I’m actually rather happy, shocking I know (omg guys! is he really going to post something positive!!!) Yes and no. and maybe. The truth be told I have no idea what’s coming and for once I’m not scared by that, I’m okay not knowing what’s coming round the bend. I've started my new job 3 days into my new store and after my weeks training and I haven’t had a mental break down, I’ve even managed to make a few people smile and laugh. But I have my concrete setting, I have my job and my home, and food on the table and money slowly coming into the bank and with that I am okay. I have my bad days still full of demons hanging over my head and as always resistant to morteen, but with what is beginning I think I can at least start to ignore them, or picture them naked whichever works best.

The world of women still refuses to become part of my own, but its early days, some have floated further away but reserved me for coffee and biscuits later down the track some have gone altogether and good riddance to them I say. Off with the dead. A few things I’ve been thinking lately, that’s one of them, just weird little connections in my head. Off with the dead. The dead to me, the ineffectual, I don’t even know if that’s a word but I imagine you’ll all get it, those who know longer matter care or mind. Vanquished into the eternal darkness of memories lost forgotten or not cared for.

I think I should do this more often, for the sake of my head, and for the sake of my writing, it’s not all that good but someday it might be. I'd love to write an epic, a tale of awe and anguish, something to make a kid like me look to the future and think maybe someday I’ll be like that. Just as the authors I’ve read do for me.

And if all goes astray then maybe I’ll just staple it together and call it bad weather.

 

Hello Darkness my old friend...

That’s right I have awesome taste in music, but apparently shit taste in decisions. I don’t have a bad life, I have a family who love me, a few really good friends who I could rely on were they anywhere near me, I have clothes to wear and food to eat. So as I say I do not have a bad life... it is just a little sadistic. Not in the sense that I’m sadistic, that my life seems that way, I have all of these things that I could have thrown in my face and then when you try for them it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t get there, and people sprout the same shit over and over, good things are coming, you have to be patient, you have to this and that and try harder and wait longer and all of that.

Why?

I am not an asshole, I can be an asshole, and it comes rather naturally to me, like maccas to a fat kid with parents who don’t care. But I’m not, I try and am good to people, to treat them well, respect them, offer help and give it when it is taken, offer compliments, and advice when the chips are down for my friends and even strangers. So I ask again why? Why did I get fired, the guy who turned up early, ironed, pressed and ready to go. I made customers laugh and smile, joked with them, talked with them, served them with respect, gave them the information they asked for or found it for them if I didn’t know. Did extra jobs and no task was too big. Hell, one night I got a standing ovation from a group of seniors on a bus tour. They literally stood and clapped for me before leaving because I made them laugh and smile and feel good. I entertained them whilst doing my job. I didn’t yell or scream at Karissa when she called me a "little fucking cunt" in front of the entire kitchen staff, nor when she told me I was slacking off, on my second day of working in the kitchen instead of the bar. I didn’t smack Pauline in the face when she talked to me like I was 12 years old for the fiftieth time that day, no I resigned myself to sigh and keep on working and not until she got me in trouble with a customer and broke one of our health and safety laws that I had pointed out to her not 30 minutes beforehand did I tell her to stop. I took all the abuse, all the bullshit, took all the dirty jobs and the heavy lifting, cleaned the toilets, rocked up on my days off when they needed a hand, did everything I could. I loved that job, I loved the work the customers, even the staff when they weren’t treating me like complete shit, but I got fired. Because unlike them, I kept my head down and worked my ass off instead of spending my time bitching about me. That was the very start of the downhill slide into infinity, and not the cool infinity that Buzz Lightyear was talking about either, the bad infinity filled with endless amount of alone and insufferable thoughts of what if, and maybe I should's.

Then there was that 3 week period, where I did in fact get a job that was so mind numbingly boring and bullshit I lasted one whole shift. My own fault I know, but if you had gone from fun and different and relaxed to here put this up your ass and bother people while there eating you wouldn’t have fared so well either. So three weeks. three weeks of wasted savings, of alcohol and days spent locked in my room, of being pissed off at my brother for working so much and not teaching me any of the things I wanted to learn. Three weeks of this slowly starting to creep back into my life. The only upside to some small part of that was the infamous A.P. who during this time realised I was going the fuck home, and called the little tiny bit of plans we had off. Not her fault, i agreed, she was right, but the timing as usual could not have been any worse.

So I shake that all off and come home. Home. For a guy who has lived in 3 different states and both territories, 6 different cities and moved around so much most people don’t believe me, Home is a funny word. At the moment, it’s where ever my parents are, but that is beginning to change which is both good and bad. So I came home, Sydney, the city I love and loath, all of the fun things to do and one friend to do them with. Who I also managed to piss off, but we shall come to that later. SO I tell myself, Lee you are joining the army; you are going to lose weight get fit and get in. Okay, so it starts, I exercise and diet and work myself up to more and more and then we hit the cliff, It’s always somewhere along the road sometimes further away sometimes closer but I hit it and fell off. Like I always do. With a long No and a resounding splat I hit the bottom and go back to no exercise and barely dragging myself out of bed.

Job? Of course, everybody needs money and I hate living off my parents, I'm 20, I should be paying rent and helping out. So I applied. Even got an interview, mind you they forgot I was coming and interviewed me for the wrong job but still an interview and hey I may even get that job. One definite no, one maybe, and interview and a maybe and three left unanswered.

Then during all of this come the rejections, the Return of the first and the mind numbing amount of alone that makes me feel like a junkie has slipped me something while I’m sleeping. As a person I’m often stricken by being all heart and no sense, if I had sense I would run away from beautiful, smart, funny, witty, semi genius, musically talented, crazy women who can make my spine tingle simply by whispering my name. I would run screaming and lock myself in a cupboard until the voices went away and I knew I could go outside again without being involuntarily drawn back to them.

This will be continued when I’m off the phone...

 

It was never plugged in at all...

Pretentious assholes.

I'm angry a lot. more then i should be some would, not enough others would whisper. I have a job that i walk into most days smiling because its really not so terrible and its a new experience for me, but i must give off angry like a bad smell. I'm forever being told not to get angry or be angry or cranky or to get mad at people. Fuck, i cannot stand that, 80 percent of the time I'm a happy little big munchkin, I'm annoyed by people for sure but angry with them no but the moment, the very second that start the "don't get angry"speech i lose my shit. I cannot deal with it, i cannot stand people telling me what i think, i know whats going on in my head and yes I'm big and loud and all that other shit but i have been here 4 months. People should know the fucking difference between angry and not angry by now, and there is a big difference, when I'm angry people fucking know it, or at least they should. I feel like a completely different person when I'm angry, like I'm waiting for someone to push it to far and see the fury that i Carry around with me, so normally i stay calm and happy and good but people as i mentioned annoy me. I don't know, maybe i am just an ass hole, its a very real possibility, but I'm not changing anytime soon, i have been trying to for as long as i can remember, you getting mad at me for being mad at you for telling me I'm mad will not help.

She's not quite as infamous anymore, since i started seeing the cute insanely tired side of her but she is still completely outrageously awesome. It's like shes massaging my brain every time she rings me, making me feel less crazy less insane more at home. Fuck that's twisted. a girl that's 1500 something k's away makes me feel more at home in my own house simply by talking to me over the phone. I don't know, maybe its just another part of my madness. I have managed to convince her romance isn't so bad though, which is good, because knowing my cheesiness she'll be seeing a little bit more of it before the end. Listening to her try and hate me through her smiling was kinda awesome for me, I think I'm something completely different to her, or at least i like to think so. I know shes something completely alien to me, i have met girls like her, little bits and pieces that i know, that i have seen before. I put likeness to her as a match to fire but shes more like a blowtorch to a drum full of petrol. she'll more then likely roll her eyes to some if not all of this but i don't mind because she thinks I'm awesome and she knows it. Its not love, but it is like, and that's bananas and chocolate to me at the moment. I'm enjoying this, which is really something new indeed.

I don't know where i am going. That brings me down, all night, most nights. I need a direction that my mind is willing to wake up and go for. I need some sleep, some real proper sleep.

And I am a street light shining...

I'm a wild light blinding bright and burning off alone. I give massive amounts of credit to the Foo Fighters for letting me rock it out during high school and letting me steal there lyrics to start things like this.

I have already told you how much we take from movies, how things should work, how we perceive things really do work. Its not all bullshit, I met a girl, a woman actually who fell in love with me after a single week of us being together. Sadly my feeling did not mirror her own and out of a sense of decency i ended it. This is not going to be a post about love but i will ask a question about it here. What affects our ideas of love? I work with a women who does not believe in marriage, because she feels it is pointless, expensive and unnecessary when two people are together and in love. I dated a girl once who simply didn't believe in it, well back then anyway. It is discussed as some greatly indescribable thing, something that just happens, a single look between two people and this compulsion known as love comes over you. Relativity, Einstein said some pretty interesting stuff about it, whether he really believed everything was relative i will never know but id like to. He seems like a bloke i could generally get along with apart from the massive difference in intelligence of course. My parents are married and happy, have been for a bloody long time, my brothers parents are not, but his mother and father are still my mother and father. I have met people who don't even know who there fathers are, i have met victims of domestic abuse, rape and all the other terrible things two people can do to each other that still believe in love. This doesn't seem to be coming out the way i intended, my point is, love is relative to your own experiences. If you have a string of relationships that are horrible beyond belief, violence, fear, cheating, lying, and then you meet someone who is halfway up the nice guy meter, he treats you well, flatters you, buys you things, does his best to make you happy, he may seems perfect simply because of your history with ass holes. Love grows between you because you have never met anyone better than this person. To me that is not love, that is a sadly kind of devotion. This person makes me happy therefore i will stick by them forever and call it love. Its false and fake and not right, not to blamed on anyone but sometimes I hope that other people have come to this realisation, can see what i see and are out there telling others that Love exists, and to not be fooled by these charlatans and self created hallucinations of grandeur and decency. I don't like this paragraph, it didn't come out how i would have liked but i will leave it in the hope that those who know me will read what i meant and not what i have written.

A wild light burning bright. Sometimes not as bright as i would like. I do not stand alone in a field facing down my enemies, I do not walk out of the mist just in time to save the damsel in distress. I am not a light in the darkness leading the way for those who would follow. I am a bartender in the middle of nowhere dreaming of a greatness long since past. I grew up with books and movies and ideals and the want to be the hero of my own story, to have someone write about my adventures one day. Sadly i am old enough to know that the likelihood of this happening are next to nothing, but that is why hope is painted as a fire it will burn as long as you feed it fuel. Every look, every chance encounter,every new skill learned, every new book read is fuel for that fire. Some let it burn brighter then others, some burn longer and lower and there are days where it burns as mere embers in the blackness that is despair but i have always found ways to let it flare up again and bring me back to reality.

Archery, another step into the past, another part of my life that people will just never understand. Also pulled from books, my love of the old ways of war. Archery, sword fights, Calvary, everything. Its one of the many reasons i plan to learn to ride while I'm out here, to kick ass from horseback would be rather awesome. Archery is going better then i thought it would although finding a place to practise is hard even out here. I own a sword, a Sicilian rapier, not quite what i went in to buy that day but an elegant weapon none the less, impressive simply because of the speed you can use it with. I'm torn between buying a Chinese jian and a hand-and-a-half  bastard sword. I think i will go with the jian first, lighter and more versatile then the larger, heavier European sword. I used to know a guy who was obsessed with this stuff, his name was Jake Spalding, i name him without fear mostly because hes a douchebag but also because those who know him know that he really really is a douchebag. He had collections, zippos, swords, a bow, which when i was 16 seemed impressive until i realised that to own these things means nothing, to pretend to use them makes you an idiot and a jackass. What i own are weapons, not toys, not replicas and not shitty metal ripoffs. Carbon steal blades that would cut a man clean in half if i had the strength to do so. I 55 pound compound bow that will shoot clean through a pig at 50 metres. Yes they are important to me, and they let me live in a world long in the past but they are not for display, or to show off but for my own entertainment, for me and for no one else. I worry some days that i will turn into that idiot, that i will become the douchebag that i so loath and then i remember that my friends are awesome and wont let me drift that far down the river asshole. and for that i love them.

The infamous A. P. At first i didn't even see her, i saw Summer Hartlery, Rachel Weisz's character from Definitely Maybe. Scary beautiful in that green dress and those glasses. And when i did see her, i found some thing even more incredible, that my life could become even more ridiculously unlucky, or maybe I'll find something good in this mystery of what am i supposed to do. See there are limitations to life, things you can do and cant do and then there's the all to well known grey area where i reside as i type this. Intelligent beyond almost anyone i know, talented, creative, funny and with a smile that would knock Hugh Jackman flat on his ass. Those limitations that stand in the way will be gone in just a matter of years. Scary to think you plan that far ahead for someone you have only seen twice. Don't read to deep i am not in love, just intrigued and happy that someone smiled back for once. Time, it must be taken, to know more and learn more and talk and discuss and find what I'm looking for. Maybe she has it, maybe this is the real test. Or maybe not but ill have fun finding out either way. And i hope she will to.

That is enough for today, I have vented and expressed, I have told you what I felt needed to be said. Good day and thankyou.

The life and times of Frank Jr...

GOD GAVE ROCK'N'ROLL TO YOU!

gave rock n roll to you, gave rock n roll to everyone, put in the soul of everyone.

Fuck the pain and the bullshit worries. be happy, don't do drugs, drink comfortably not stupidly. Do dangerous fun things and be smart about it. Like using the technical know how of my roommate to make a self igniting supersoaker flamethrower or using fire arrows to BOOMSHAKALAKA. Just be awesome, dont fuck around, live and be fucking happy about it. Head bang to no music whatsoever. Stand in elevators facing the wrong way, just do what makes you happy without hurting other people. Smile at beautiful ladies, get there numbers, be happy. Beautiful ladies (not that any of them read this but shutthefuckup) give decent blokes your number. Be excellent to each other. We live in a world of murder and mayhem, war and violence and crime and bullshit and sadness and tears and problems and we all spend far to much time thinking about it and worrying and being fucking emo kids. Cheer the fuck up, laugh at the ridicilous, laugh at nothing at all just smile and be happy but not a hippy... dirty stinking hippies.








I came for my motherfucking keys, to my motherfucking mini van and that's whats up!

Fuck.

Take what you want, give nothing back!

Who lives like that.. who has that lifestyle.. who get to be that guy?

I sure as hell dont. Fuck my life. Fuck being nice. Fuck everything about being who I am. About who I want to be. Fuck being this person.

Lets try this again shall we...

So tonight i am angry and confused and sad and a whole range of other emotions i haven't even begun to think about but lets start with angry. I am angry because while i sit here and type away as my "girlfriend" is asleep, my best friend is oblivious to whats going on because well as far as i know he doesn't give a fuck. My brother is in the next room sleeping next to the ever present chivette. I state this now, i am happy for them, i am BUT it would have been a whole lot easier for me to get past some of this stuff if she wasn't a regular guest at the Castle Bosworth.

I have confidence issues like all former fat kids... okay still fat kids. There have been very few people in my life that have told me I'm semi decent looking apart from those that have to (relatives, people selling you clothes, etc.) and those that have are either to old for me, not interested or just being nice because i have mentioned this problem to them. I don't know what makes people think that complimenting someone after they have said "no one really compliments me on my looks" is okay, because saying OH you look great right after that just isn't the same. Don't get me wrong i don't go fishing for compliments, but it does make it hard when your girlfriend, your friends, basically everyone give you the impression that you look not all that fantastic all the time. I don't know maybe it is just a me thing, but when i walk into work and see someone who looks nice, i tell them. i say hey you look nice to day, or Jesus your don't scrub up to bad aye? with a smile and good intentions because i think that's what people should do. Sadly i live in a place where lighthearted but constant insults are a way of life, and apparently of friendship. I join in on the odd occasion but never anything to terrible and i always follow it up later with a compliment, a real one to make sure that a) they new i was kidding and b) they feel good about themselves. Today i copped a lot of it, and for some reason it got to me, badly, it made me feel like i was hideous as all fuck and not worth the air i breath. Everyone of course expects me to just take and most days i can, but today it sucked. Big time.

Work. Apart from the above rant i think Ive been doing okay but apparently my attitude has turned to shit in the last few days. I agree. Do i believe it should change? Hell no! you see at my last job i was gopher Lee, ready for any shit at anytime and any job regardless of how dirty disgusting or hard it may be and what happened? i always got those jobs, found myself being walked over by every staff member that could manage it and generally treated like a slave. So now i am a bartender of sorts and am one of the only males at my establishment, i find myself staying back late, past the end of my shifts, doing extra work that other people could do and generally being pushed around a lot. My brother tells me its just the job and somewhat i tend to agree with him, i can handle doing a little extra heavy lifting and working late and all the other stuff but not every day and not without any thanks. Hey Lee i really appreciate you moving that stock for the third time, or hey lee i really good not have done it without you, thanks for staying back an hour an a half and letting your job ruin your plans for the day. So yes my attitude is bad, but i don't get all that much respect, or gratitude or anything for that matter.

There was more but I'm tired, in a bit of pain and i will get to the rest of it tomorrow.

A good man once said...

A lot of really bullshit things. You see i have found that one mans guide to being decent does not suit another. I have tried following in the footsteps of some of the greats, following there guidelines and there ideals, learning from there mistakes and trying to improve on there ways but it never works. All life is different, regardless of who you are where you are or anything else. We really are all unique, regardless of how much we try and be like others or follow a cliche or style ourselves like someone else we will always have certain things that make us... us.

I don't know where this will go tonight, Ive already vented my thoughts to an incredibly beautiful woman who will never see me the way id like to and will never see herself the way i do. She listens well and responds the way everyone does, with very few comments apart from how honest i am and how i let her know everything. I lie, quite often in fact but only to those who it will not hurt, and i don't mean those who i believe it will not hurt i mean those who it want. Customers, randoms, shop keeps, people i will never see again simple because of the situation i meet them in the first place, so i lie. I invent a new world for myself where i am studying/travelling/recovering, basically anything with an ing and Ive probably told someone that I'm doing it. Why? for the fun, for the pure creation of a story believable by another human, because i like to interest people and push the boundaries of my own innovative writing... but to her, and to others who care to listen i do not lie. i am honest and true to a point that scares people a little i think. I bare my soul, Ive never really nailed down why. an old friend of mine once told me i love unconditionally and i think that being so honest with people may be a part of that, i want people to see me for who i am, as i have said many times and i keep giving people the chance... and all they can respond with is your honest and wow.

GAHGSGYWDSV. frustrated. how did i get here? Longreach i understand, here i have no clue. sitting in my room, a girl in love me, me liking two girls one more then the other, my mind in shambles and my sadness having a field day. I think ill call it a night otherwise ill just end up repeating myself although Ive still only said half of what i set out to say. Know that i will always find you beautiful inside and out, and i will be able to move on a somewhat happy man.

goodnight. sleep well. sweet dreams.

What good is good when no good comes of it?

I do the right thing, i fight for the right thing, I do everything i can to make others happy regardless of its affects on my own life and i still am unhappy, unwanted and unloved.

The return of the infamous...

And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd back to bother me....

And that does not describe how i feel at all. I didn't even lock the door i left it wide open with a neon sign above screaming COME BACK at anyone stupid enough to walk past the crazy cat guys house (sadly i don't actually own any cats). Bother me? more life confuse the effing living out of me. You're INSANE.....ly beautiful. You're not quite right in the head, not quite right but freaking perfect. I never forget, I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent.

A blur of motion inside my own mind tells me somethings up, something has just happened that will possible shape future events to come. What events? how the hell should i know, marriage, kids, addictions, rejection, acceptance, longing and loneliness. It could be one of a million things and I will always fear that it will be something bad and i will be stupid enough to cause it. I live in constant fear of becoming the enemy i so longingly look for in life. That one big challenge every sees as a challenge that i see as the evil wizard dude in the super high tower throwing fireballs at me i try to climb up and slay his ass down. Will she be the crazy lady shooting up at him screaming at me to climb faster, the trapped "maden" with the long blonde hair in that banana yellow dress scowling at the wizard like he was Dracula himself, or maybe she'll be up there with him simply smiling and laughing maniacally at my misfortune as i fall screaming and burning to an agonising death. That whole ridiculously long sentence was a little long and not so well written but for its intended audience i think it will suffice.

The history, the mystery, the mind numbing memories of burning passions, both good and bad. Screaming matches bad... other things good. So very very good. Where do i go from here? how do i keep from making the same mistakes with a girl who is so ridiculously unavailable its not funny and yet i find myself wanting to ask that time old question, Is it still there? I know it is... and I'm pretty sure she knows it is but i want to ask to open up that doorway, to unlock that room full of possibilities. I can't though, I'm supposed to be a better man, a man who would not ask that of a women already taken. Although she would never belong to anyone I believe her heart is already somewhat his, mine hopes not but my mind tries its best to be the realist and recognise that it probably already is.

I wonder if this counts as breaking the rules? Knowing she will read it and saying all the things id like to but saying it here? can i get away with it? can i still call myself this better man? or this man trying to be a better man? Of this i am not sure, i will probably never know as no one can really answer those questions but me and i am not willing to for fear that i may be turning back into what i once was. This woman brings up a part of me i have not seen in a long time, some good some bad but something i have missed. She is one of the many reasons i want to be a knight in shining armour, she would never be carried off like a distressed lady in waiting but perhaps one day she will let me rescue her. One day.... perhaps.

Insufferable thoughts...

Those thoughts that pass over your brain like a semi trailer "passes"over a frog on the highway. God i hate them, truly and utterly mood shattering thoughts, regardless of how good you are feeling these little bastards will come at you like a lobster with a butter knife, painful probably infectious and it always takes you a few moments to work out how your going to handle them. Thoughts like whats if I had... or maybe i shouldn't.... or my personal favourite DO IT, DO IT RIGHT NOW. Those last ones have got me into more trouble then almost anything else in my life. Hmm i probably should jump off this..... DO IT DO IT NOW! and rolled ankle dirty jeans and many laughs from the assholes and onlookers. but my point is how do you battle something coming from within your own mind? your the one thinking it so how can you expel it without further thought? Because even as you think that's dumb why did i think that, the little voice is going maybe hes right... maybe i did fuck that up, or maybe i should call her, and then BAM its got you and you spend the next half an hour trying to nut out a problem that was holy and souly created by your own brain.

A new town, a new life...

So in the many months since my last post i have moved, and not just moved but changed. I am now a Longreachian (if i could tm that i totally wouid). I have gone from simple deli man of Sydney to Larger than life groundsman of Longreach. It has been 11 days since i flew into to this flat new town of mine and so far i am thoroughly enjoying it. i have made more friends in the past week then i have in the past year in Sydney, i have discovered a new way of life, involving copious amounts of alcohol, lots of really awful dancing and incredibly loud but awesome music. I have found beauty in the outback in more forms then one, no longer do i look up and see smog and street lights, now it is stars, masses and masses of stars. I wonder now how many people back in Sydney simply do not look up at all for the knowledge that there, there is nothing to see. But here i find it amazing. Something totally remarkable that these people of the country have managed to keep to themselves. If only we had the sense to turn more lights off and let the stars shine a little brighter in the night.

Work. A change in itself, from translating orders to digging holes and slashing lawns. I love it, i go home sore from work not because i lost my cool and beat my hands raw but because i worked hard, there is something truly good in wiping the sweat from your brow after a hard days work, in taking a warm shower to loosen up the muscles that haven't been used in so damn long. Every job has its downside and i have already discovered part of mine, but i still feel like i have accomplished something, like tomorrow really is a new day instead of going back and just repeating the same old process again.

Friends. A smile, a simple smile and i was sold. The horrible knowledge that at any moment my knees may go weak, my brain may explode from exposure to that single smile. I am an idiot, this much i know. my feeling move faster then superman simply from impressions and what i think i know. I am an idiot, this much i know because i have never played a whole game. I have gone the first two quarters and done alright but come halftime I'm down 6 points and still not gaining any, but this time i like to think ill learn from doing and not fuck things up for once. Take things slow. Show people what i can be, show a person who i am instead of who i let people see. I will win. I will succeed. I will be happy.

Something interesting and intriguing shall follow...

So I was thinking today as i stood under the incredibly hot water of my shower i hope people don't dismiss my writngs because of a few posts. Talent doesnt go and then come back but my moods affect me a great deal and this all began because i had no one to talk to so it became my outlet for life. My place to scream and shout, metaphorically ofcourse. If you do come across this whoever you may be i hope you go back to the begining when i was more of the me id like to be. When i wrote with passion and not anger or atleast constructive anger and not blind rage.

I take a lot of examples from movies, how we are portrayed onscreen what we want to see, what we pay to see. Movies filled with heroes, hundreds of them over and over again, saving the girl, saving the world, saving their kids, saving honor, saving just about anything. We go, we watch, we leave satisfied but why? These people do not exist, they are figments of somebody elses imagination, there are heroes in this worlds but far less then those who appear in the movies. Why? does that not strike anyone else as odd? that we have to look to the big screen for our insperation for our entertainment, in search of heroes most poeple end up in blockbuster picking the newest Brad Pitt flick. I admit my collection of movies is vast, larger then anyone else that i know inface but that not stop me from looking for them in real life. i yearn to meet them, to know of there lives and there stories, to know if i have what it takes to follo in the footsteps of great men. To make my track, to walk alone from the masses and into a world where people do the right thing, where all men are men, where we all stand equal, where we fight injustice and wrongdoing. Even as i type it i know it sounds pathetic, like something a wide eyed child would babble after reading a comic, but why does it have to be so? Would it be so hard to do whats right, to help the old lady with her groceries, to ask the lone girl whats wrong when you can see shes crying, to stand up to bullies and thieves and liars, to respect those who deserve it. When did we stop being good people? you dont even have to live to the standards of the heroes you jsut have to start doing whats right for everyone, instead of just yourself. Don't be the better man, be the best man. And for those of you who are born into greatness, be grateful, some of us spend our whole lives hoping it will be thrust upon us.

With that i bid you goodnight.

It would be nice...

To open this page up and find someone had read it and found it something more than nothing at all would make feel a little more whole inside. At the moment I'm alone, I'm walking through ''a forest of concrete and steel'' (I cannot remember where I stole that line from but it’s awesome so I'm using it) filled with those in fancy dress and those too poor to buy it, those from other places and those from no place at all really. We all live in a world filled with people but some of us are as alone as alone can be. The single cacti breaking the horizon, the only thing to cast a shadow for hundreds of miles. (It sucks that miles sounds so good, kilometres just kinda ruins the flow). Anyway enough of the sappy mystic metaphysical crap and all the stuff in brackets to, I really must try and resist the urge to explain everything I think and why I think it.

So this week things have gone from bad to worse. I have sunken into the pit of self-loathing and hatred that I haven't managed to find the bottom of yet. It seems the more I struggle the deeper I slide... as a matter of fact it seems like no matter I do I find myself deeper in this hole, and with the rate I’m falling I hope to hell there is something soft at the bottom.. I've never been a great writer but I spit out some brilliant albeit short stuff more often than most people think. Fuck. I have come to a standstill in my writings again, which means that all this wasn’t leading to some brilliant dam breaking spasm of writing genius is was just a build-up to nothing which will of course leave me feeling even worse. Goodnight people (no one actually) if I’m not here tomorrow I'll see you all in hell when you decide to join me.

It's been a long time since I came around...

So I'm very much over being the only one like me. I'm not all that unique or even that different, a little weird yes but weird isn't as weird as it used to be. I have a thing for self sacrifice, let's refer to it as a hero complex. I help people, self esteem problems no worries Lee's here, need to get over that ex? No worries I got it covered. Need help with just about anything that involves feelings or motivation I'm your man. Now here's the part where everyone goes who have you really helped? And I honestly have helped people BUT they are all maybe kinda definitely females. *enter in the incredibly cliche Ohhhhhhh* it's not a sexual thing or a giving a little to get a little it's a guys can't help guys with that stuff. Even my best friend and I don't go that deep because that deep is balls deep and balls deep is gay. So I help who will let me help which of course is only the ladies, and in the end I end up getting attached because to help I find out everything I can about someone and then focus on the good parts so freaking hard I convince myself that girl is practically perfect. Anyone can tell anyone there beautiful but very few people can mean it as deeply and truly as someone who loves them. It's a bit fucked on my part because well as i explained, I never get the girl so it always ends in heartache for me, but I work past it and move on and add it to my list of things that make me go holy shit that hurts when I think about them. What I'm waiting for though, what this whole rant is about, is for someone to see everything I have seen in all those people in me. To go holy shitballs that guy, well lick my elbows and give me a kitten he's something different. That would most definitely be nice. That would make my year and maybe give me some reassurance that I'm not going to die alone with my hand rapper around and Xbox controller... (I'm probably going to hell for the Lady Gaga reference anyway)