Movies are starting to affect me badly again. Making me long for things I tell myself I could never have. I have always wanted to be a soldier, ever since I can remember wanting to be something real and not a frog. Some days frog is still a pretty appealing option. Second above all else I wanted to be an actor. I liked the idea of being someone else so much that I thought I could do it for a living, which retrospectively says an awful lot about me. If I didn't have a crippling case of stage fright at all times I might have even pursued it, but I do so I didn't and the time has come. I got the call, I am available for re-evaluation for the position of combat engineer in the Australian Army. It has been six months since my soul crippling rejection, eight months since I royally screwed up my relationship with a truly beautiful human being and three months since I opened back up to an idiot. nearly twenty-two years since I was born and I am still no better at making decisions. I have done next to nothing about my fitness because I refuse to be motivated to losing weight and being better. It is so very fucking hard to write that sentence. The tears swell in my eyes as I write "I" instead of "My mind"or "my brain". Both of which are such bullshit, its like blaming a third party for my refusal to do a single bloody thing, but the blame falls at no ones feet but my own. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I tell myself I will go to gym tomorrow and I probably will but how long will it last this time? Until the next girl breaks my heart from a million miles away. The next time someone makes a fat joke or a forever alone joke or the next time I feel hideous because I am constantly reminded of how unremarkably average I am in the attractive department?
I don't even know if this is depression anymore? I hate that, I always think of it as an excuse to feel sad. Oh I have depression, or bi-polar or stress disorder or a thousand other things.
If I fail this time I don't know what will happen. I am scared of that, not knowing that is dark. that's a road I am fucking terrified of, but applying almost scares me more. To sit in a room and try to prove to a complete stranger that you deserve the future you have always wanted when you yourself are not even sure you do deserve it.
Do you know what people ask? How are you going to get in with all your head stuff? Don't you have to be fit to get in? But aren't you a bit too emotional for the army? Do you know what that does to a person. What this fucking decision is doing to me right now. I am so gone, I just want out. I want to step into the rain and have it wash me away to a place where I don't have to feel like this. Tonight the darkness in my mind may consume me. If I make it through the house in my head I will see you all tomorrow. If not, make it Tuesday.
Sunday 30 March 2014
Friday 7 March 2014
I must admit I momentarily missed the good old days...
I am inevitably always surrounding by two things. the first thing being women who are as incredible and beautiful as they are unavailable and the second thing being assholes.
As I become more and more of an adult I begin to realize how easy it would be to end up in this place forever. To stand still in your life when you find a place that you understand and know would be the easiest thing in the world after experiencing years and years of not knowing what will happen next. I think this is how people end up working retail for the entirety of their lives. If you can put food on the table, keep the lights on and have money left to buy the various substances required to keep you mostly inebriated then why would you want to move? That is what I am afraid of, the more I put off the army the more that fear grows, that I am not putting it off for an benefit but that of my fear. Am I doing it so that I am more prepared in the long run or because I am safe here? I have a home, I have food, I have some semblance of a social life, I can pay the bills and am happy at least thirty percent of the time. Life is not that bad in the here and the now, so why not just sit down and get comfortable? Everyone knows why not, because you want bigger things or different things or you have dreams. I get that, I know that for myself all I am saying is I get it now. I get why there is a forty year old man working at woollies as a shelf stacker.
I don't like not knowing how I feel, which I imagine everyone dislikes to some degree but I find it especially difficult as my emotions rule me more then I rule them. I'm not a robot and not as perpetually angry as some of you may think I am. I like having focus and knowing my feelings, I use them to write and create and make decisions, just like everyone else once again I suppose. It is a funny thing that we all consider ourselves unique for one reason or another but few of us really truly are. I suppose in a way that is exactly what makes this hard. I know I'm not alone, I know there are so many others out there like me, but then I have to ask why the hell I am sitting here alone? Is it all to be blamed on me not getting out there and doing stuff. I don't think I'm solitary in nature I just think I'm so used to this now that I honestly don't know how to change it. I think it is much the same as breaking up with someone you have been with for years, you feel broken, all you want is them back as bad as whatever caused it is and half of all of that is not knowing how to exist with them in your life. I guess I don't know how to function with people in my life and I've never had it constantly enough to learn. I either fucked up the relationship, moved away from my friends or was too drowned in my own bullshit depression to care. I don't do people well anyone that knows me can tell you that. I just get awkward and weird and my confidence slips away from me like a bar of soap in a prison shower. I am trying to be better at this, joining the SES should be a step forward in a lot of areas. I'm doing it on my own, new people, new stuff. I'm scared shitless, that's why I don't shut up about it, but I'm still doing it.
I need to get away. I have camping on the Murray in April, and as excited as I am that's still not where I want to be. I need to get to Adelaide, I need to chase a different dream, if only for a day.
As I become more and more of an adult I begin to realize how easy it would be to end up in this place forever. To stand still in your life when you find a place that you understand and know would be the easiest thing in the world after experiencing years and years of not knowing what will happen next. I think this is how people end up working retail for the entirety of their lives. If you can put food on the table, keep the lights on and have money left to buy the various substances required to keep you mostly inebriated then why would you want to move? That is what I am afraid of, the more I put off the army the more that fear grows, that I am not putting it off for an benefit but that of my fear. Am I doing it so that I am more prepared in the long run or because I am safe here? I have a home, I have food, I have some semblance of a social life, I can pay the bills and am happy at least thirty percent of the time. Life is not that bad in the here and the now, so why not just sit down and get comfortable? Everyone knows why not, because you want bigger things or different things or you have dreams. I get that, I know that for myself all I am saying is I get it now. I get why there is a forty year old man working at woollies as a shelf stacker.
I don't like not knowing how I feel, which I imagine everyone dislikes to some degree but I find it especially difficult as my emotions rule me more then I rule them. I'm not a robot and not as perpetually angry as some of you may think I am. I like having focus and knowing my feelings, I use them to write and create and make decisions, just like everyone else once again I suppose. It is a funny thing that we all consider ourselves unique for one reason or another but few of us really truly are. I suppose in a way that is exactly what makes this hard. I know I'm not alone, I know there are so many others out there like me, but then I have to ask why the hell I am sitting here alone? Is it all to be blamed on me not getting out there and doing stuff. I don't think I'm solitary in nature I just think I'm so used to this now that I honestly don't know how to change it. I think it is much the same as breaking up with someone you have been with for years, you feel broken, all you want is them back as bad as whatever caused it is and half of all of that is not knowing how to exist with them in your life. I guess I don't know how to function with people in my life and I've never had it constantly enough to learn. I either fucked up the relationship, moved away from my friends or was too drowned in my own bullshit depression to care. I don't do people well anyone that knows me can tell you that. I just get awkward and weird and my confidence slips away from me like a bar of soap in a prison shower. I am trying to be better at this, joining the SES should be a step forward in a lot of areas. I'm doing it on my own, new people, new stuff. I'm scared shitless, that's why I don't shut up about it, but I'm still doing it.
I need to get away. I have camping on the Murray in April, and as excited as I am that's still not where I want to be. I need to get to Adelaide, I need to chase a different dream, if only for a day.
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