Sad Sundays and un-medicated clarity.
Sad Sundays - Sundays bring me to a place that I think I have pegged. Its the brink, of a new week, a new set of issues and bullshit and work and life and in the same place the exact same week as the last and the several hundred before that. I have to sit here and think about everything that's coming, everything I have to do and tackle and take on and deal with and I automatically start sorting it all into piles and imagining various challenges that may or may not appear. And as I walk among these piles, quickly turning into mountains, I am reminded of how alone I am in this so called struggle, and all of this anxiety and planning and aloneness begins to drag me down. I cant breathe, I cant think, I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel or any of the big pictures I have painted inside my head. I am lying on the floor in a room full of troubles I have made for myself complaining of a fat stomach and a lonely heart. And its happened again, I have completely lost my point. Fuck. Sometimes writing helps, sometimes it just makes me feel like I've lost something else I once believed I was good at.
I hate happy, talented people. Mostly for their happiness and their ability to just be good at stuff. That probably makes me a bit of a bastard. I remember not being like this you know, I can remember being happy and not this crazy, I can remember conquering worry and all the things that now consume me. I can remember being free, unburdened by the knowledge that I am currently a pathetic wreck of the human being I want to be.
Shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars. Be Better. Let nothing hold you back. Accept nothing less then what you deserve.
This stuff is plastered across the internet and saved inside the file I have aptly named Project Happiness. Motivation for the unmotivated. Funnily enough it reminds me of Mulan, the training scene in which that are told to retrieve the arrow from the top of the pole, and when they go attempt to climb in unimpeded they are handed two weights with the titles of discipline and strength. At first this seems to make the challenge harder until Mulan uses both strength and discipline as tools to help her make the climb and retrieve the arrow. That's generally how most people live their lives, we carry the weight around that can accept. Some people carry morals, some honour and dignity and those people generally thrive. But those of us with anxiety and or depression we carry more then what we want. We cannot simply drop these weights we must tackle every day carrying them and everything else we believe in.
I cant concentrate tonight, im sorry. Once again this has turned into something I didn't want it to be. I hope this doesn't make me lose you, if I could ask one thing of you, it is that you keep reading, the next post and the one after it when they come. You don't have to call me or text me or care just keep reading this. I need that. If anything, to survive.
