Lets try this again shall we...

So tonight i am angry and confused and sad and a whole range of other emotions i haven't even begun to think about but lets start with angry. I am angry because while i sit here and type away as my "girlfriend" is asleep, my best friend is oblivious to whats going on because well as far as i know he doesn't give a fuck. My brother is in the next room sleeping next to the ever present chivette. I state this now, i am happy for them, i am BUT it would have been a whole lot easier for me to get past some of this stuff if she wasn't a regular guest at the Castle Bosworth.

I have confidence issues like all former fat kids... okay still fat kids. There have been very few people in my life that have told me I'm semi decent looking apart from those that have to (relatives, people selling you clothes, etc.) and those that have are either to old for me, not interested or just being nice because i have mentioned this problem to them. I don't know what makes people think that complimenting someone after they have said "no one really compliments me on my looks" is okay, because saying OH you look great right after that just isn't the same. Don't get me wrong i don't go fishing for compliments, but it does make it hard when your girlfriend, your friends, basically everyone give you the impression that you look not all that fantastic all the time. I don't know maybe it is just a me thing, but when i walk into work and see someone who looks nice, i tell them. i say hey you look nice to day, or Jesus your don't scrub up to bad aye? with a smile and good intentions because i think that's what people should do. Sadly i live in a place where lighthearted but constant insults are a way of life, and apparently of friendship. I join in on the odd occasion but never anything to terrible and i always follow it up later with a compliment, a real one to make sure that a) they new i was kidding and b) they feel good about themselves. Today i copped a lot of it, and for some reason it got to me, badly, it made me feel like i was hideous as all fuck and not worth the air i breath. Everyone of course expects me to just take and most days i can, but today it sucked. Big time.

Work. Apart from the above rant i think Ive been doing okay but apparently my attitude has turned to shit in the last few days. I agree. Do i believe it should change? Hell no! you see at my last job i was gopher Lee, ready for any shit at anytime and any job regardless of how dirty disgusting or hard it may be and what happened? i always got those jobs, found myself being walked over by every staff member that could manage it and generally treated like a slave. So now i am a bartender of sorts and am one of the only males at my establishment, i find myself staying back late, past the end of my shifts, doing extra work that other people could do and generally being pushed around a lot. My brother tells me its just the job and somewhat i tend to agree with him, i can handle doing a little extra heavy lifting and working late and all the other stuff but not every day and not without any thanks. Hey Lee i really appreciate you moving that stock for the third time, or hey lee i really good not have done it without you, thanks for staying back an hour an a half and letting your job ruin your plans for the day. So yes my attitude is bad, but i don't get all that much respect, or gratitude or anything for that matter.

There was more but I'm tired, in a bit of pain and i will get to the rest of it tomorrow.

A good man once said...

A lot of really bullshit things. You see i have found that one mans guide to being decent does not suit another. I have tried following in the footsteps of some of the greats, following there guidelines and there ideals, learning from there mistakes and trying to improve on there ways but it never works. All life is different, regardless of who you are where you are or anything else. We really are all unique, regardless of how much we try and be like others or follow a cliche or style ourselves like someone else we will always have certain things that make us... us.

I don't know where this will go tonight, Ive already vented my thoughts to an incredibly beautiful woman who will never see me the way id like to and will never see herself the way i do. She listens well and responds the way everyone does, with very few comments apart from how honest i am and how i let her know everything. I lie, quite often in fact but only to those who it will not hurt, and i don't mean those who i believe it will not hurt i mean those who it want. Customers, randoms, shop keeps, people i will never see again simple because of the situation i meet them in the first place, so i lie. I invent a new world for myself where i am studying/travelling/recovering, basically anything with an ing and Ive probably told someone that I'm doing it. Why? for the fun, for the pure creation of a story believable by another human, because i like to interest people and push the boundaries of my own innovative writing... but to her, and to others who care to listen i do not lie. i am honest and true to a point that scares people a little i think. I bare my soul, Ive never really nailed down why. an old friend of mine once told me i love unconditionally and i think that being so honest with people may be a part of that, i want people to see me for who i am, as i have said many times and i keep giving people the chance... and all they can respond with is your honest and wow.

GAHGSGYWDSV. frustrated. how did i get here? Longreach i understand, here i have no clue. sitting in my room, a girl in love me, me liking two girls one more then the other, my mind in shambles and my sadness having a field day. I think ill call it a night otherwise ill just end up repeating myself although Ive still only said half of what i set out to say. Know that i will always find you beautiful inside and out, and i will be able to move on a somewhat happy man.

goodnight. sleep well. sweet dreams.

What good is good when no good comes of it?

I do the right thing, i fight for the right thing, I do everything i can to make others happy regardless of its affects on my own life and i still am unhappy, unwanted and unloved.

The return of the infamous...

And now you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd back to bother me....

And that does not describe how i feel at all. I didn't even lock the door i left it wide open with a neon sign above screaming COME BACK at anyone stupid enough to walk past the crazy cat guys house (sadly i don't actually own any cats). Bother me? more life confuse the effing living out of me. You're INSANE.....ly beautiful. You're not quite right in the head, not quite right but freaking perfect. I never forget, I meant what I said and I said what I meant, an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent.

A blur of motion inside my own mind tells me somethings up, something has just happened that will possible shape future events to come. What events? how the hell should i know, marriage, kids, addictions, rejection, acceptance, longing and loneliness. It could be one of a million things and I will always fear that it will be something bad and i will be stupid enough to cause it. I live in constant fear of becoming the enemy i so longingly look for in life. That one big challenge every sees as a challenge that i see as the evil wizard dude in the super high tower throwing fireballs at me i try to climb up and slay his ass down. Will she be the crazy lady shooting up at him screaming at me to climb faster, the trapped "maden" with the long blonde hair in that banana yellow dress scowling at the wizard like he was Dracula himself, or maybe she'll be up there with him simply smiling and laughing maniacally at my misfortune as i fall screaming and burning to an agonising death. That whole ridiculously long sentence was a little long and not so well written but for its intended audience i think it will suffice.

The history, the mystery, the mind numbing memories of burning passions, both good and bad. Screaming matches bad... other things good. So very very good. Where do i go from here? how do i keep from making the same mistakes with a girl who is so ridiculously unavailable its not funny and yet i find myself wanting to ask that time old question, Is it still there? I know it is... and I'm pretty sure she knows it is but i want to ask to open up that doorway, to unlock that room full of possibilities. I can't though, I'm supposed to be a better man, a man who would not ask that of a women already taken. Although she would never belong to anyone I believe her heart is already somewhat his, mine hopes not but my mind tries its best to be the realist and recognise that it probably already is.

I wonder if this counts as breaking the rules? Knowing she will read it and saying all the things id like to but saying it here? can i get away with it? can i still call myself this better man? or this man trying to be a better man? Of this i am not sure, i will probably never know as no one can really answer those questions but me and i am not willing to for fear that i may be turning back into what i once was. This woman brings up a part of me i have not seen in a long time, some good some bad but something i have missed. She is one of the many reasons i want to be a knight in shining armour, she would never be carried off like a distressed lady in waiting but perhaps one day she will let me rescue her. One day.... perhaps.

Insufferable thoughts...

Those thoughts that pass over your brain like a semi trailer "passes"over a frog on the highway. God i hate them, truly and utterly mood shattering thoughts, regardless of how good you are feeling these little bastards will come at you like a lobster with a butter knife, painful probably infectious and it always takes you a few moments to work out how your going to handle them. Thoughts like whats if I had... or maybe i shouldn't.... or my personal favourite DO IT, DO IT RIGHT NOW. Those last ones have got me into more trouble then almost anything else in my life. Hmm i probably should jump off this..... DO IT DO IT NOW! and rolled ankle dirty jeans and many laughs from the assholes and onlookers. but my point is how do you battle something coming from within your own mind? your the one thinking it so how can you expel it without further thought? Because even as you think that's dumb why did i think that, the little voice is going maybe hes right... maybe i did fuck that up, or maybe i should call her, and then BAM its got you and you spend the next half an hour trying to nut out a problem that was holy and souly created by your own brain.

A new town, a new life...

So in the many months since my last post i have moved, and not just moved but changed. I am now a Longreachian (if i could tm that i totally wouid). I have gone from simple deli man of Sydney to Larger than life groundsman of Longreach. It has been 11 days since i flew into to this flat new town of mine and so far i am thoroughly enjoying it. i have made more friends in the past week then i have in the past year in Sydney, i have discovered a new way of life, involving copious amounts of alcohol, lots of really awful dancing and incredibly loud but awesome music. I have found beauty in the outback in more forms then one, no longer do i look up and see smog and street lights, now it is stars, masses and masses of stars. I wonder now how many people back in Sydney simply do not look up at all for the knowledge that there, there is nothing to see. But here i find it amazing. Something totally remarkable that these people of the country have managed to keep to themselves. If only we had the sense to turn more lights off and let the stars shine a little brighter in the night.

Work. A change in itself, from translating orders to digging holes and slashing lawns. I love it, i go home sore from work not because i lost my cool and beat my hands raw but because i worked hard, there is something truly good in wiping the sweat from your brow after a hard days work, in taking a warm shower to loosen up the muscles that haven't been used in so damn long. Every job has its downside and i have already discovered part of mine, but i still feel like i have accomplished something, like tomorrow really is a new day instead of going back and just repeating the same old process again.

Friends. A smile, a simple smile and i was sold. The horrible knowledge that at any moment my knees may go weak, my brain may explode from exposure to that single smile. I am an idiot, this much i know. my feeling move faster then superman simply from impressions and what i think i know. I am an idiot, this much i know because i have never played a whole game. I have gone the first two quarters and done alright but come halftime I'm down 6 points and still not gaining any, but this time i like to think ill learn from doing and not fuck things up for once. Take things slow. Show people what i can be, show a person who i am instead of who i let people see. I will win. I will succeed. I will be happy.