the mediocre memoirs of a magnificent mind

I have only a short period of time before i retire to bed so i must type quickly and as such i shall probably have more then a few spelling mistakes, for all that notice i am sorry for all that complain fuck you. To begin, i miss jess, i missed her birthday and i have not seen her in just over a year more of her choosing then mine as a small part of my bloody beating heart still loves her. I miss her, hayley. She resides in my mind like a toger un the undergrowth of the indian bushland, striking when i least expect with such weight and ferocity that i recoil in anger and sadness that she has managed to creep up on my mind once again. Work, i have been promised a promotion, one i have been promised before, but that does not stop me from believing that this time it is true. Although that upper management apart from my own boss knowing about it seems to help my thoughts significantly. I sliced my finger, badly the time, simply, and suddenly my weeks life has changed from nights to days, and days to longer days i work a different job from the one i am used to. Doctor today to check on its healing, healing well she says in an excited tone and i am happy until she reminds me that i still will not be able to return to regular duties for some time. then we get to what really matters, sleep, more so my lack of it. I ask for medication to, putting int frankly, knock me the fuck out and she declines worried about its addictive feautres and how short term the fix is. We hash it out,m i walked in wanting to sleep and left with anti depresents/anti axienty tablets for my rising levels of stress. Two weeks she says before you will see results, let them work. It has almost ticked over to say three of the plan. The plan i have had every week of every months for the past year. CHANGE MY LIFE. but this time i have managed to get past day 2 without any major hickups lets see how day three goes, shall we. I am stressed, and tired and annoyed. Simple things like books and movies no longer function the way they should for me. I soent the last of my money before i got paid today on my brother who has taught me more then he knows. i love him to bits and worry irrationally about the big bastard, but all the little i can do to make his life easier i do them, as a kind of repayment for all the times hes helped me through the years, he doesnt see it but it means a lot to me just to have him as part of my life, and because he's my brother i hope he shall always be there. I am tired and stressed, this i have stated and thus i have stated it again. I do not miss my home as much as i used to but i do miss some of the poeple from it. Hayley is not ready for me, nor i for her in some ways. but i can see a day where she will embrace me, and see in my eyes exactly how i feel and i shall not be afraid to show her, that it was love is i fear, love is being afraid of rejection and losing someone and them not loving you, but letting them in, with all the handholds and weapons to hurt you without the fear of them actually doing it. She will hurt me in times to come, but i will always be open to her, she has the remote for my happyness in life, how could i not?

and with that i say orivwa... or however you spell the french goodbye, because honestly how cool does it sound when they say it. Goodnight readers, farewell for this evening and i shall write to you all next time.

Some more shit i wrote a long time ago...

Straight Jacket

Split down the middle and going insane

Fighting the monsters inside of my brain

Running and running I never get far

This world is so strange its very bizarre

Can’t stop for directions not in my head

Get lost in my thoughts and I’ll be dead

Can’t get help I’ll find my own way

Everything is so dark and so grey

A flash of light a burst of pain

Its then that I feel the pull on my chain

Pulling me back into the night

I will not go with out a good fight

Ripping, tearing struggling to bend

The will of those who I cannot befriend

Turning, turning to one last resort

I’ll make it quick I’ll make it short

Falling, falling into the abyss

Realizing I’m finally free of this

Field Of Fates

I have found a place in my head
In which many men are dead

Why though? I cannot say
On my mind their deaths weigh

But In this place I have no fear
I know I am meant to be here

I feel my heart begin to race
As I stare into an unknown face

Realizing that they all are me
Living an unfeasible destiny
and two shorts ones...

A wolf hiding in a pack of sheep
bloodied claws and teeth ready to reap





and





After I died they pulled me apart
Only to find you'd stolen my heart

So here we go again...

Smallvilles on again, it’s my current TV obsession. I had a hard day at work and a strange evening at Maccas, and I found myself trying to explain the brand I have on my arm. You see when I was young and a dickhead I got hurt (as all young dickheads do) by a girl, and afterwards went on, let’s call it a rampage of the sexual nature and did a lot of stupid things I regretted immensely, so to remind myself of that ever more and to punish myself I sat down in my backyard with a pair of pliers, a lighter and a roll of wire to set about the task of shaping letters, heating them and then burning the word regret into my arm. Sick I know, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do and it did make me feel better. Released a lot of the anger I had been keeping inside... and now I have completely lost track of where I was going. Let’s just call that the story of the scarred arm and leave it at that.

So Hayley, starting this story is like trying to find the right side of a coconut, you go in circles over and over again and just end up smashing the thing on a rock when you get mad. Except I wouldn’t smash Hayley on a rock I'd take her to Fiji and many other nice places. It starts with a trampoline. It was Christmas and the year was one I can barely remember. My mother had dragged me down to her friend’s house for Christmas as my father was away; there I met the Ross’s. They were and still are a pretty average family, but I headed out back to have a few games with their kids, Jarrod, Rebecca and the infamous Hayley. So much playing ensued and the night slowly went on, at some point the younger two kids headed inside and I found myself sitting on the trampoline not 4 feet from this smart young girl who scared the living hell out of. You see at 15 I was completely inexperienced at anything involving the opposite gender and frankly, rather shit at talking to chicks to. The conversation went for an age, for longer than I can honestly recall before my saintly yet incredibly annoying mother was calling me away to head home for the night. For the next few days I found myself thinking about this girl more often than not, and also thinking about how young she was. So that was the first step in a very long very painful journey.

The next step however didn’t happen for quite some time, I managed to find myself a girlfriend and have her dump me and metaphorically destroy my heart at an atomic level and then there was the whole scarring thing explained above and then magically Hayley popped back into my life. Many, many hour long phone calls later and I started getting the tingling feeling in my stomach, I was 17 and she was 15 which trust me, fucked with my head to no end. I felt twisted and wrong and fucked in the head, I beat myself up about it more than any of you who thought DUDE SHE WAS 15 would like to. So nothing happened I let it go, she went through boyfriends I went through girlfriend, not plural, just the one. BUT THEN ta-da, a year went past and I found myself thinking about her again and this time I was ready, I was in it to win and all those other things people say when there on the telly. So what’s my big plan? On the way home drop into her work and tell her everything, so she’s on break, sitting there across from me looking incredibly beautiful even in her butchers outfit, and she tells me about her boyfriend. Her 26 year old boyfriend. I was crushed, destroyed, obliviated, I was beaten to the chase by some 26 year old creep, of whom I had the pleasure of meeting recently (he looked like he smelled like shit, that’s how disgusting this bloke was), and well many more hour long phone calls ensued.

I wrote her a letter. I don’t think she'll ever see it, but for some reason... I want you, whoever you may be, to see it. I was in Perth at the time, in the process of moving away from the most beautiful person of all time and all of my friends and one of the only places in the world i've ever really considered home, but thats another story, one for another time when im more depressed and ready to tell it.

Find my next post and read how pathetically in love with this girl i was...

A few things you all should know...

So I'm watching smallville, I've had a few drinks and I'm heading off to bed, but before I do i must mention a few things. Firstly, my spelling is pretty shithouse, as is my grammar as you will come to know. Secondly, Hayley, you will read her name at many points throughout these posts. She is a very special person to me, and my relationship with her is possibly the most complicated thing i have ever come across which makes it complicated to the point of being fucking ridiculous. And last but not least, my often need to talk to myself makes my writing sometimes seem a bit... lets say inwardly directed? I know that's not great english but find me another way of describing it accurately and I'll send you a dollar.

(If you spot any spelling errors or grammar errors leave me a comment and I'll fix that shit right up)

A long time ago i wrote some pretty cool shit down...

At nearly 18 I’m not exactly an average teenager, weekdays I go to school come home, procrastinate whilst attempting to do homework, get forced by my parents to do homework, complain about all the home work I have done, get more homework the next day and start all over again. But on weekends I slay dragons, kill terrorists, save computer generated princesses from computer generated evil geniuses and most of the time beat Luigi at Mario Cart all the while relaxing in the simpleness of just not thinking about reality. They all tell me I’ve got it pretty good, but as all decent teenagers know, life isn’t that simple.

Chapter 1 - Two Simple Truths

I have to thank my brother for exposing me to this simple fact. When we are at our youngest and most immature mindset we are expected to make decisions that will govern what happens with the rest of our lives. Think about it. Your 17 and in grade eleven, you want to go out, watch movies, play footy and chase girls, not to be asked what electives your interested in. “Well what do you want to do after high school?” Your 17, you don’t even know if you really like peanut butter yet or it’s just a phase and these people are asking you what you would like to do with the rest of your life, they must be kidding. But no these really are the decisions that are going to affect your future. These most absolutely are going to be the decisions that will affect the rest of your life.

Somewhere along the line there’s always that person that tells you “if it doesn’t work out you can go back and do it all again.” Really? That’s their advice, why yes John I want to be in grade twelve when I’m twenty-one deciding what I want to do with my life all over again while my friends are out getting drunk and having fun. That’s not saying you don’t have more than once shot, you can do it again but being completely honest with yourself, do you really want to? No one really wants that, not deep down in that place we don’t talk to people about. So you make your choices based on what your good at and what you think might be fun. What your friends are doing, what class that hot girl you like is going into and countless other reasons, most of which won’t lead you any closer to where you’ll actually end up. That’s the truth of it, school although a good thing is based on some very stupid ideas, decided by people that have already been through it a long time ago.

The thing most people have realised but still don’t grasp the full meaning behind is you CANNOT do anything you put your mind to; otherwise we would all be millionaires that go home to the likes of Kate Beckinsale or Daniel Craig. From that early age where our parents said “you can be anything you want to be” they were lying, they knew they were but it seems like the right thing to do when their son or daughter is looking up at them with those big eyes of theirs. If you work really hard, if you do your best, you have the potential and countless other inspiring talks about how far we can go in life that have set us up for what? The biggest disappointment of our entire lives. When you finally realise that you can’t be anything, you can’t make millions appear out of thin air and you can’t be a famous rockstar I make a point of mentioning here that this is not written to squander dreams it’s more to point out the way things really are. Life will become easier as you see that what you have accomplished so far considering what you have been taught is pretty damn impressive. People tend to say but look at Frankie, he just got out of high school and made thousands selling his bands songs on the Internet, he’s got an Album on the way and he’s just starting dating that super model. What you don’t mention is that you’re not Frankie. You’re not him; congratulations to him on his success but you are not that guy no matter how much you want to be. You’re not making thousands, you’re still in school or working at woollies making ten bucks an hour and wasting it on chips and video games. You have to accept your own life for what it is and how it is, if your not happy with it, change it. That’s a life lesson I wish I learned along time ago. My parents always say we just want you to be happy and succeed, but sometimes they don’t go together. Sometimes you need to accept a little sadness that comes from the work needed to succeed.

Chapter 2 – The Secret To Happiness

Do what makes you happy. Sounds simple right? Well you’d be wrong, being happy and staying that way is, as many will learn to be true, one of the hardest things you will ever want to do especially while being a teenager. Between hormones, stress, school, having a life in general, work and a relationship you have to balance this fun little thing called happiness. Oh what a joyous activity that is, be it drinking gaming, having sex, drawing stuff, reading, driving, fishing or a whole bunch of other crap we all have our own little things that make us happy. But we can’t however, do them forever, so slowly but surely we all slip back into sadness. I have heard a lot of people say sadness can’t be avoided, your going to feel it eventually and yeah that’s true but that doesn’t mean you have to be sad all the time. Being sad is possibly the easiest thing you can do in life, sitting on your arse and moping about how bad your life is and how hard you’ve got it while someone tries to tell you they no exactly what your going through. If something is making you sad then change it, if you can’t change it get rid of it and if you can’t get rid of it ignore it. Those are your options, you may think there are more but realistically every time something has made you sad you have done one of those three things in one form or another. Be it a loser at school giving you a hard time and you either ignore him, or fight back, or your girlfriend/boyfriend making you down, you change the relationship or end it. It’s just the way the world works. People change the way they see things, the way they do things, and how much attention they give things everyday to make themselves happy. Of course there is a right and wrong way to go about it, (trust me I learned that little nugget of information the hard way) but you should know the difference between right and wrong. I think the main problem with being happy is that its so much easier just to be sad, but no good thing has ever been free and you will have to work to get that warm fuzzy feeling we call happiness. Yes working for it sucks and it takes time, but once you’re there do you ever hear those people complaining again? Have you ever heard anyone say man I’m so happy right now but it wasn’t worth a years worth of study at school, or 6 months over time at work. Of course you haven’t, because it is worth it. So for all those sad people I say get off your arses and change your life until you find the way you like it, so you wake up in the morning smiling. That’s the way to live.

Chapter 3 - Girls, Sex and Boobs

For the women of today and I really can’t stress this one enough. It may not seem huge but it’s a pretty big deal for the guy that goes through it. If you are with someone and a mate of yours openly admits to liking you while you’re having doubts about your boyfriend do not tell the guy. It doesn’t matter if you think your going to dump your boyfriend tomorrow do not tell the poor guy because if it doesn’t happen you have just broken his heart.  For females there isn’t a lot else I can say because well, you’re all bloody different, which makes it super hard for us guys. One second we think we know you and the next you bring out something completely new and shatter what we thought. There are a few things you need to learn about us. The first one is give us a break, you want to be pampered and treated like a queen because you’re tired or stressed or just pushy, how do you think we feel? We’re in school or work and all the other little problems in life, so if we ignore you while we sit and play Xbox for an hour give us a break we need to de-stress and calm down too. While were on the subject of ignoring people, girls if you like a guy, you hang out for a few days and then something comes up and he cancels, then it happens again for the next date as well, don’t automatically assume he doesn’t like you. My suggestion is give him a week, if after that, (and it’s not a death in the family or a broken limb) he still keeps letting you down he’s either not interested or just a dick. That’s about it for girls, except all those cute emails you get about guys not caring if you have makeup on and how we mean it when we say your beautiful, well although you all act like you believe it you should actually try considering it because most of the time its true, I’ve actually never met a girl who looked better with makeup on then without it.

Sex, glorious, glorious sex, well sometimes glorious and other times rather horrible depending on whom you pick to do this most exciting activity with. There are so many different ways, positions, ideas; turn ons and crazy things that humans do to each other that people don’t really talk about. The first thing about sex is it works the same way happiness does, if its bad change it, if you cant change it get rid of it. Now I’m not saying dump someone because the sex is bad I’m simply saying that if that way isn’t working for you try it another. With all the different and weird stuff out there, there’s bound to be something you’ll be good at. This goes for both girls and guys; experimentation is the key to good sex, seriously I know. If there is something you’re worried, nervous or embarrassed about Google it. I’m not kidding, read about it, find out what you’re getting yourself into, or read about how awesome it can be. I’m not talking sex stories either I mean the real info websites that are written by people that are not super sleazy and trying to get your credit card numbers. Oh and my final point is don’t be stupid use protection. My sister had both her kids while she was on the pill, and she still tells them they were planned.

Of course as a male I did my best to deny our stereotypical ways and managed to save this bit for last. Boobs: arguably god’s greatest creation, depending in how good you think Call Of Duty is. They are a source of attraction for just about all straight males, even the nice ones who act like they don’t look, we all know you do, your just sneakier and a lot more dishonest about it then we are E.g. classic nice guy situation, she’s your best friend, she’s five feet tall and has more than a little boob under her shirt. Standing next to her you can see straight down just about all of her tops, we don’t blame you, well maybe she would if she ever noticed but she’s to busy drooling over some hot guy so don’t worry, your secrets safe with me. Anyway my point is they’re there, we all no about them, there’s not some unspoken code as if we are supposed to act as if we don’t. This also goes for those girls that no they have big ones, and wear revealing clothing because of it and then they look at us with disgust when we have a look. Seriously, if you don’t like us looking as your overly exposed breasts buy a robe and cover them up, otherwise stop complaining and making us look like perverts in public. For those of you that do have some concept of what modesty is and you catch a guy staring then go for your life with making him look like a creep in public, he probably deserves it anyway.

Chapter 4. Anger

People say, “It’s the most useful emotion” and I honestly have to say I agree with them. It helps people to do things they never thought they could, in most cases the things they end up doing aren’t all that good. For instance, getting over an ex. The easiest way I have found to do it, and have helped other people find as well, is to concentrate on all the things they do that you hated or annoyed you, every time they let you down or stand you up, forgot an anniversary or birthday, gave you something they should have known you hated. Concentrate on all those things and think about how shit of a boyfriend/girlfriend they really were, and if you think there is nothing they have ever done wrong then you aren’t ready. If I had tried this when I was told about it I would have saved myself from months of bullshit grieving over a bitch who in the end wasn’t even worth it. So people, although it may not have the best results, anger really is very a useful emotion.

Chapter 5. The many mysteries of the Cliché

Jocks, Nerds, Populars, Emos, Sluts, Bullies, Good People, The Outsiders, The Mixed Ones, Greeks, Asians and all the other nationalities that have there own little groups. Oh the weird little things that make people belong to a certain group at school. They sit together, they eat together, most of the time they fight together, what fun people they can be, and what asshole to. On a side note you do have to remember that these are a huge generalisation of the different types of people you’ll find at school, a lot of them will fit a few criteria but not all of them.

Emos

The attention seeking kids who like to stand out and feel sad. Mostly simple creatures but occasionally there are genuinely troubled souls among them. The largest problem with emo kids is their depressive nature, bringing others down around them, worrying their friends and/or family and generally just being wankers. Although serious problems can be caused when the kids with genuine problems are encouraged to follow this emo way of life which in certain situations can worsen there condition and cause them to do stupid things to themselves or others.

Jocks

The simplest of all the cliché, one of the main misunderstandings of this group are that all sports people are jocks, while in some rare cases this may be true, in most it isn’t. No, sporty people can be from any one of many groups, but the jocks remain uniquely boring as they tend to stick to the same guideline, “good at sports and little else.” They tend to pick on smart or nerdy kids and non-sports players, emasculating these people and then going off too to laugh about dick jokes. The defining difference between jocks and bullies is that where jocks inflict more mental torture onto their victims, bullies tend to use a combination of both physical and mental violence. The generic Jock will be well built for his particular sport, dressed in brand names, doesn’t no the real words for DNA (and couldn’t pronounce it if he did) and has a large breasted, air headed girl hanging off his arm.

Bullies

Generally not team players, working alone to annoy and destroy teens smaller and smarter than they are. Though not smart in a math/science way these bullies can be quite clever and quick occasionally to the point where they can get away with most of their actions. Psychologists will tell you they’ve been through event or something has happened to them in the past that has made them act this way, personally I think that’s a load of bullshit. In some cases yes these kids were abused but in others they just simply enjoy torturing and belittling others. Those are the worst of them to, real evil bastards that take it to the limits when it comes to hurting others.  Although not hard to outsmart these bullies will win most conflicts by sheer force but if faced with a crowd situation most easily recognised by the shouts of FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! It is possible to get away without a beating simply by embarrassing him and winning over the crowd. This can be accomplished by a well-timed insult or smart remark, but remember it doesn’t always work so choose which opportunities to take and which to run away from screaming.

Populars

Populars are a mixed breed of both smart and stupid kids, mostly keeping separate though. Defined only by their looks these people are generally uppity and in seventy-five percent of the time come from rich backgrounds.  Although not flawed in looks and in half of all cases smarts these peoples “better than everyone” attitude leave them with a lot of haters. Easily spotted, populars are basic, their pretty, they can be smart and they believe they’re above others. An important note on pretty people is there social relations can change very quickly inside there own groups, especially with the females as they don’t have much loyalties in each other.

Nerds

Nerds, dorks, dweebs, geeks or countless other names are the most targeted of all groups; the nerds are like the Israel of the school world. Smart, annoying and really good at call of duty, these are probably the most wide spread group of them all. From being the hot girls best guy friend to the teachers pet they fill many gaps in the social network. Most of them well under their mental capability, but their lack of self-confidence holds them back. Defined by there over intelligence, under confidence and lack of ability to play sports these nerds are the most common targets for the insults and physical abuse of bullies and jocks alike. The ‘nice guys’ often develop from this particular social cliché after of course gaining some much-needed confidence. Originally cartoonised by braces, glasses, pimples and computer skills, there image is slowly changing as more and more people are sucked into the world of computer games and Xbox live.

Asians, Greeks and other nationalities

These groups are basically self explanatory, although they do all possess different qualities between the different groups the amount that are out there would take me years to write let alone find and research.

Outcasts and Mixed Groups

Made of people from a host of different groups, they generally consist of people that don’t completely fit their original group’s e.g. nice pretty people. Note: also can be characterised as a strong bonded group, very close-knit people.

Chapter 6 - Love

It is both the best and the worst thing in the world. Now I’m a romantic, love all the movies and all that sort of stuff but I still think its one of the worst feelings of all time. To be in love and not that bullshit I’m fifteen and he has deep blue eyes love, I’m talking about the you remember almost everything they have ever told you love, the you know every inch of there face love, that you can talk about them for several hours and still keep going love, its something else, its total and complete, its what your mind goes to whenever your not thinking, hell its what your mind goes to even when you are thinking, its what you fall asleep thinking about and what you wake up wishing would happen. BUT at the same time its dangerous, because if you can’t have it, it doesn’t work out, she’s with someone else or the multitude of other reasons that you can’t be with this person you are so in love with, it can kill. It can make you feel worse than you ever have before it can bring you to decisions you’ve never even considered. I used to tell people rock bottom wasn’t all that bad, and then I fell in love with one of the most amazing girls I’ve ever met and of course she was taken, you have not felt rock bottom until you have listened to someone tell you how amazing there boyfriend is for an hour while you sit on the other end telling her that’s great and that your so happy for her. Phone calls like that break hearts and kill small Asian children (it can’t be all down I have to be un-serious sometimes so you don’t get down). It makes you listen to stupid music like the Special Two by Missy Higgins or Damn Regret by Red Jump Suit Apparatus, those are just my personal choices but you get the point, it makes awesome movies like 500 Days Of Summer and Dear John turn into super depressive piles of misery that also involve a litre of ice-cream and other fattening treats.

The first few experiences are always going to suck, some ridiculously small number of peoples first relationships work yes, but being realistic your probably not going to be in one of those relationships. We all get hurt at some point, get fucked over, walked out on, broken up with but we all go back to it. It’ll be that girl that smiles at you every time she sees you, the new friend with the perfect relationship, the assholes who tease for being single or the hundred million other stupid reasons there are, but we still do it. And why? Why do we put ourselves through it all again, because we all know that if it does work out it’ll be awesome. Love will go from that hurtful feeling in your chest to the greatest thing the world.  I can’t tell you what its like because I’ve never experienced it but I’ve seen it in my parents eyes and in my grandparents, in my brothers and there wives and in a rare few of my friends and I think being able to look at someone like that and have them look back at you the same way would outdo just about every great thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

Eight months later for the author about half a page for whoever you are.

I’m now 18 and experiencing a whole new side of life so here goes nothing, the continuation of this (hopefully awesome) novel with…

Chapter 7 – Alcohol, the fun, the games, the misery

I won’t lie, I drank before I was 18 and enjoyed almost every night of it bar one immensely horrible event that shall remain untold and hopefully as unheard of as is physically possible. But when you turn 18 everything changes, life becomes as new and shiny as the first day you got to play in the rain. Drinking is like sugar for adults, when you were a kid sweets and treats were the vodka of your time. You had a few of these delicious sugar filled lollies and you were fine, you had a few more and you were getting a bit crazy and by the time you finished the bag you were running around the back yard starkers bar the cape on your back made from your bed sheets. Now exchange the word lollies with rum and bag with bottle and you’re thinking like an 18 year old.

Drinking in. Drinking at home can be both better and worse, on the upside you can control whose drinking with you and hopefully none of these people will be carrying knives or things that go bang, drinks are cheaper and there’s always a change of clothes when you or your friends soil your own. . Then there’s the other side, the drunker you get the more risk there is to your personal belongings, the last thing you need to accompany your hangover in the morning is a foot shaped crack in your 42 inch TV.

Drinking out. The awesome upsides, if you break something it probably isn’t yours, there’s loud music or live bands, there’s always lots of people to either avoid or rub up against depending on what you’re into and you don’t have to worry about the guy hanging from the chandelier as he hopefully isn’t one of yours. The most un-excellent downsides, some of those people may actually be carrying previously mentioned sharp objects or things that go bang, if you have more than 3 or 4 drinks you might just have to leave one of legs or a kidney as a down payment and as always after getting respectably shitfaced you have to get yourself home.

Chapter 8 – infatuation, crushes, lust and like liking

I originally thought of adding this chapter in a lot sooner, but reconsidered as I was madly “in love” with a lying cheating cow at the time. Now as you must have worked out I am no longer madly in love with said bovine like creature so here it is the infuriatingly true story of lust, liking, crushes and infatuation.

As you can see if you get up to this point it ends mid chapter I lost my insperation and so far i havent worked out how to get it back.

The first of many...

I'm not entirely sure about all this, you see I write occasionally in a notebook just to let all my mind stuff out, but letting people read it is a rather rare thing for me so this is the next step. For those of you who do read it, of which I imagine there will not be many, this is me, pure unadulterated Lee William Bosworth; this is the mysterious mind of me.