This is the first post I have written where the title will come after the writing, which shouldn’t be as strange for me as it is but it is so I’m rolling with It.,
I feel like the next time a girl touches my neck am going to have flashbacks from Vietnam. For the first time tonight I watched the breakfast club which came highly recommended from someone who I am supposed to be insanely angry at.
You think people know you, know as much as they can about you, those are the people you trust the most, the people you let in, and not the ones you tell things to, I mean the ones who you don’t have to tell, they just kind of know. Those connections scare the shit out of me; I suppose am scared of who I am more than I should be but maybe not. Maybe if I was more honest, if I had less lies to justify my thoughts and processes then maybe id understand me better but I don’t. I am so angry, so very very angry with the way things have turned out, I say I saw it coming but at the end there things changed so much and my ideas of what would happened flipped, but I was still wrong. And I am not okay with that. Job I hate to be wrong like everyone else on the planet but this is more, I am so tired of giving out advice of telling people things and explaining things that I have no idea how I know I just know.
At what point does this stuff start to come back. When do I get to start making right choices, not just the ones that feel right? I'm not tired of being hurt, am 20 I have so much more of that to come but a few months or years of happiness would make sifting through that sea of shit so much easier. Happy memories can keep you alive.
I tell a tale and spin a yarn but no one really knows the whole story, Hell I can’t tell anyone the whole story and they wouldn’t believe me if I did. So what am I supposed to do? So much is happening while the world stands still and nothing happens at all. Tonight I am losing my mind, am not hurting now that I started typing and maybe that’s why am doing this so I don’t have to let it swill in my head and all because I saw some girl on a movie kiss some guys neck and it brought everything to the front of my head and I couldn’t ignore it, in half a second my walls came crashing down and the inside of my head was naked to the world. There was a time not so long ago when I pulled those walls down myself and I wasn’t afraid, but now? I have to build that confidence back, do we all lie to protect ourselves? I know so many people would claim they don’t, that they don’t care what others think and they do what they want but that’s bullshit, there are very few people alive who get negative feedback about every aspect of themselves. You wear your hair up and the chick that makes your coffee smiles at you just that little bit longer, or that low cut dress that distracts the hell out of the fruit and veg guy at franklins. We are all attention seeking assholes dying for everyone else’s approval. And yet no one’s approval, because we don’t are. Well fi you didn’t care you would be you. There would be no oh I can’t say that and no I should wear this today. I spend five minutes deciding which of my beat up old work shirts am going to wear, good days I wear jeans okay days I wear shorts. If I know am going to have to smash out the work it’s always shorts, they are easier. Why should it matter? Why should it fucking matter.
Do you see? Does anyone fucking see? This is what’s happening in my head every second of every day. This fucking. Insanity. All of the time, I can’t turn it off. I can’t make my head fucking quiet ever. Jesus this is scaring me. I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen to me if this doesn’t shut up., if this doesn’t turn off and just let me have my peace back. Let me find a way to shut all the doors and windows and just sit in silence.
AND WHY. Why can’t it turn off, why can’t it just stop because I am not comfortable in my own damn shoes. With people, with anyone, there are so few people who could shut all this up and all of them managed to ruin it, they left or cheated or lied or ran as soon as I let my mind run free. Second place, every time. Every fucking time and people wonders why am unconfident, have people leave you for someone else or somewhere else or something else enough times and you start to question everything and that was bad enough before all that shit entered my world.
I get the look, I know that look, that’s the you are pathetic look. No am not, I don’t blame women and relationships for all of my problems. am not that much of an ass, or that unrealistic if you eat peanuts and swell up and die you don’t blame the peanuts you blame your allergies. If it happens time and time again it must be something about me which is just another confidence crushing step towards hermitdom. BUT I digress it isn’t all me either because if it was I may get bad. Worse, worse than Brisbane, Brisbane it became an option fi that was the truth... it may become something I attempt. I don’t like to think I could be that selfish but I have my moments.
Anger issues. That my dad calls bullshit, it’s just me not dealing with things. He not entirely wrong, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I work and live to a standard, not a hard standard but a decent one. Why others can’t do the same am not sure, I’m not asking everyone to be a saint, but if you come to work... do your job. It is that simple. don’t do the minimum, don’t do the maximum even, just find a happy medium where you don’t force anyone else to do your work for you. AND on occasion when someone else is flat fucking out, help, just a little. Prove you have a soul and that you’re not just a giant cunt on legs. WORK. Like for a living see?
But back to that hate filled fuck that sits just behind my eyes, and sleeps in my chest. I don’t wish I scared people, but I wish they understood how scared I am. I have never really snapped, never really lost it, people think that i punch things and that’s me losing it... no no. no. no. no. no. no. that is me keeping it under control. When I sweep my monitor off my desk, smash my phone throw stock across the room, break someones fucking arm. That’s me losing it, in half a second I see all that happening in my head and I push it away. I come so close. The day I sat there and cried and cried was the worst. I don’t remember who it was that came and told me I was going to be okay, maybe Elle. Maybe. She was worried because I was sad; I was scared because I was angry. I came so close, so close to losing it. To flipping the fuck out. To dropping all ties with humanity and turning into something else. If people got all that, really under stood it, they would be scared but no. they see the semi acceptable looking kid who’s angry all the time and thinks he works hard.
And then, then there are the days where I wake up okay and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m okay, with all this going on, you wake up okay? With how you felt last night or ten minutes ago or half a moment ago. And now you feel okay? Now everything you can deal with. Bipolar. No. bullshit. This is something else. If this was that generic then I wouldn’t feel so fucking alone. I wouldn’t be tearing myself apart right now and I would wake up wondering why I wrote all this here. My knightly notebook doesn’t work anymore, that is all one topic that I can’t stay away from if I lay hands on it, same with the typewriter or anything really written down with pen and paper. So I return here with my mountain of issues and things to explode from my mind. And I know this writing is not all that crash hot but it’s not for that tonight it’s not to impress you all with my fancy word work. It’s to stop me from losing to control. It’s so that I can wake up tomorrow and not explode at work. I can be okay and do the momentous amount of work that needs doing. I didn’t know where this was going to end but I think it’s coming to a close now. And I have a title, just so I know it will be read.
Goodnight friends.
