Like the dead sea...

Keep away. The lighters, the woman, the feels, the people, all the things that drive me crazy. Lock me in a room and leave me there forever. Its what I need. Time? Maybe. Peace? Definitely. Some quiet in the one place I cant turn the volume down.

So do you turn the music up to block out the screams and the confusion or do you turn it off and sink into the insanity that waits. A bit overdramatic Lee. Definitely that too, its what I'm good at. I've tried explaining it. maybe you get it, maybe you don't, but ill never be able to believe anyone truly gets it. Maybe one, but they are a long way away from where they need to be. That's selfish and still true.

Paragraphs are hard. This isn't going to flow the way I want it to so each time it stops in my head I'm going to end it and start down another track before I get really bogged down.

Its go time people, Lee the great motivator! that's what they'd call me if anyone actually felt inspired by the ridiculous shit I sprout at work. I love the idea of getting every geed up for work or anything really. Caffeine and chocolate does it sometimes but I wish words were enough. One of them told me to stop being so energetic today, I told him I wasn't energetic I was keeping myself moving, that's how I have to work. the same as it is here, if I get bogged down I end up somewhere else, somewhere dark and fucking scary and I cant function there, so I roll my sleeves up and work as hard and fast as I can, maybe not physically because at the moment if one thing isn't broken it feels like another will be soon, but mentally I'm always on the move in that place. always jumping form one task to the next and then back to something I picked up and forgot about. Its not a perfect system but its the only one I have that works at the moment. Hopefully after tomorrow I'll start getting better again, either way there are tough times ahead. I need to push harder and just cop whatever comes my way. Its going to get interesting quick but I've always been able to handle it in the past.

So the infamous A.P. just rang and distracted the hell out of me but I'm trying to reign the wild horses now crashing through my headspace in.

An oddly good friend of mine recently made me realise some things I've been doing when it comes to any form of romance in my life.

"Can I say one thing tho? You are too available. We don't want dicks. We just want someone to treat us like we are different. The things you are doing for these girls is nice but a girl has a way of sensing if a guy is doing something because there is a crazy connection or because the guy just does this for women. Dave treats me like a princess and says he would do anything for me...he would do anything for me...but he would do anything for any woman he was dating...he falls fast despite personality's. A girl shows him love and says a few nice things and he would follow them to the ends of the earth. And that's easy to sense" - A person who is way way way smarter then I am.


and my exact response to this was

"Fuck

...

So that's what's going on.

...

That makes a lot of sense.

...

Goddamnit"

 

Of course the information blows, because it shows that I am the problem... which actually didn't come as much of a surprise as I wanted it to. But in a way it is also good because if I am the problem I can fix it.

Which brings me to the other thing I keep telling myself, I need to work on me. Its one of those things I think people say a lot and never stick the but the problems and evidence are stacking up really quickly that I am causing the majority of my own problems, which is okay, but only if I am working to fix them.

 

Its funny in a really dark way how similar working on myself and joining the army are in my head. What happens if I find I am too broken to be fixed? I'm functional but by no means am I happy. The same thing occurs to me for the army, what if I am simply not cut out for it?

One of my favourite pieces of internet are says fear makes the wolf bigger. You are damn right it does, but what are you supposed to do when the thing you fear the most is yourself? What if I'm not the man I want to be, what if I cant be that person? What if the world throws its will against me and I shatter into a thousand pieces, if I break down again. Become this husk of who I am every time I'm challenged in my head.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well I'm shit out of sugar and I've got more then enough lemonade to drown in.