I have only a short period of time before i retire to bed so i must type quickly and as such i shall probably have more then a few spelling mistakes, for all that notice i am sorry for all that complain fuck you. To begin, i miss jess, i missed her birthday and i have not seen her in just over a year more of her choosing then mine as a small part of my bloody beating heart still loves her. I miss her, hayley. She resides in my mind like a toger un the undergrowth of the indian bushland, striking when i least expect with such weight and ferocity that i recoil in anger and sadness that she has managed to creep up on my mind once again. Work, i have been promised a promotion, one i have been promised before, but that does not stop me from believing that this time it is true. Although that upper management apart from my own boss knowing about it seems to help my thoughts significantly. I sliced my finger, badly the time, simply, and suddenly my weeks life has changed from nights to days, and days to longer days i work a different job from the one i am used to. Doctor today to check on its healing, healing well she says in an excited tone and i am happy until she reminds me that i still will not be able to return to regular duties for some time. then we get to what really matters, sleep, more so my lack of it. I ask for medication to, putting int frankly, knock me the fuck out and she declines worried about its addictive feautres and how short term the fix is. We hash it out,m i walked in wanting to sleep and left with anti depresents/anti axienty tablets for my rising levels of stress. Two weeks she says before you will see results, let them work. It has almost ticked over to say three of the plan. The plan i have had every week of every months for the past year. CHANGE MY LIFE. but this time i have managed to get past day 2 without any major hickups lets see how day three goes, shall we. I am stressed, and tired and annoyed. Simple things like books and movies no longer function the way they should for me. I soent the last of my money before i got paid today on my brother who has taught me more then he knows. i love him to bits and worry irrationally about the big bastard, but all the little i can do to make his life easier i do them, as a kind of repayment for all the times hes helped me through the years, he doesnt see it but it means a lot to me just to have him as part of my life, and because he's my brother i hope he shall always be there. I am tired and stressed, this i have stated and thus i have stated it again. I do not miss my home as much as i used to but i do miss some of the poeple from it. Hayley is not ready for me, nor i for her in some ways. but i can see a day where she will embrace me, and see in my eyes exactly how i feel and i shall not be afraid to show her, that it was love is i fear, love is being afraid of rejection and losing someone and them not loving you, but letting them in, with all the handholds and weapons to hurt you without the fear of them actually doing it. She will hurt me in times to come, but i will always be open to her, she has the remote for my happyness in life, how could i not?
and with that i say orivwa... or however you spell the french goodbye, because honestly how cool does it sound when they say it. Goodnight readers, farewell for this evening and i shall write to you all next time.
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